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A teenage Jewish boy Harles in a Nazi death camp sets out to prove his love to Hitler’s daughter Ida who once pretended to be Jewish.
Andrew. I have a finite amount of time to spend on logline.it each day so I must appologies for not reading your deataild second reply. I did, however, read your first so I'll respond to that. In my opinion the concept suffers from a few fundemental problems which I have described in my post above,Read more
Andrew.
I have a finite amount of time to spend on logline.it each day so I must appologies for not reading your deataild second reply. I did, however, read your first so I’ll respond to that.
In my opinion the concept suffers from a few fundemental problems which I have described in my post above, therefore, I won’t recount what has already been posted. You’re welcome to read back through the notes you’ve received already and study them in more detial instead of posting explenations as to why they’re wrong.
However, seeing as the major issues are not being understood I will elaborate on them for clarity’s sake. The first big problem is the lack of a clear, visual, and outer goal. This means the concept lacks a single objective that the MC can achieve, will be visibe to a camera and is clearly defined. To prove one’s love could mean any number of things;
Does he save all his food rations to prevent her from starving?
Does he break her instead of himself out of the camp?
Does he write a poem, a song or a novel to imortelize her in?
Any one of the above options could fall under the umbreal of “…prove his love to her…”. Therefore,? whatever his objective is needs to be made clear in the logline. Without a clearly described objective, or goal, the plot is unclear and describing the plot is the primary function of a logline.
Secondly, his inner journey is a derivative of his flaw and currently he has no flaw described in the logline. Your explenation of inner journey “… to evolve into a person who wants to define the reality from the isolated boy he was through his desire of love and pain…” doesn’t describe a flaw rather it elaborates on the situation he is in.? Ask yourself; Is he naive? Is he childish? Is he delusional? What is it about his character that needs to change in order for him to become a better person? then add that in.
See lessA teenage Jewish boy Harles in a Nazi death camp sets out to prove his love to Hitler’s daughter Ida who once pretended to be Jewish.
About the story you currently have for the boy, his love interest stakes pale in comparison to the daily struggle for life. Ultimately, the boys story seems melodramatic and un original, more to the point you still have yet to describe a plot. It still isn't clear what exactly he does to get the girRead more
About the story you currently have for the boy, his love interest stakes pale in comparison to the daily struggle for life. Ultimately, the boys story seems melodramatic and un original, more to the point you still have yet to describe a plot. It still isn’t clear what exactly he does to get the girl, or why, he seems to have no inciting incident and no clear goal – what does “…prove his love…” actually mean?
You’re missing the point DPG is making. If you are already making up a holocaust story why not then take liberties with the characters to serve a better story. If Hitler had a daughter and she got caught up as a prisoner in a death camp then her story would provide her with a significant inner journey – she realises how wrong her father is and decides to help the prsoners, she evolves as a person. However, if you look at the boy (and I mean this with all due respect to his pain and suffering) what is his inner journey? How does he evolve?
To make it work you would have to make her his secrete daughter, if he never announced that he had children it could be argued that he could have had a daughter in secrete and this is her story – however imporbable it is plausable. If no one knew she was his daughter she would have to prove her family relation to him from inside the death camp and strugle to help the prisoners, big obstacles and big stakes.
See lessWhen his wife becomes a Christian, a devout atheist who believes in truth, uses his journalistic skills to prove Jesus was a myth
I would rephrase the description to "...strict atheist...", drop the part about true story and jump straight to the plot proving Jesus was a myth. I'd also add a few hints as to how or where he will do it. E.g: After his wife becomes a born again Christian, an atheist journalist must uncover evidencRead more
I would rephrase the description to “…strict atheist…”, drop the part about true story and jump straight to the plot proving Jesus was a myth. I’d also add a few hints as to how or where he will do it.
E.g:
See lessAfter his wife becomes a born again Christian, an atheist journalist must uncover evidence in Jerusalem to prove to her that Jesus was a myth.