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Correct grammar! Best you proof read your material:Here is your logline corrected:To overcome her fear of the outside world as a result of her mother?s death and rape, an orphaned girl, who suffers from hallucinations, accepts the help of a stranger and moves in with him.That aside this logline lackRead more
Correct grammar! Best you proof read your material:
Here is your logline corrected:
To overcome her fear of the outside world as a result of her mother?s death and rape, an orphaned girl, who suffers from hallucinations, accepts the help of a stranger and moves in with him.
That aside this logline lacks its most vital component – a goal. What does the girl want to achieve in practical terms?
Lastly, the structure and wording of the logline could be better, for example:
See lessAfter witnessing her mother’s rape/murder an agoraphobic girl must [do something interesting] in order to achieve [a compelling goal].
When he starts visualizing the sexual fantasies of anyone he touches, a love-struck freshman has one week to find true love or be doomed to rule hell. Title: SixSixSix
I'm always for simplification, however, in this instance, I still fail to see the cause and effect connecting the inciting incident and goal. Him getting these powers out of the blue doesn't logically connect with him needing to find true love. What does true love mean? Must he be married? Engaged?Read more
I’m always for simplification, however, in this instance, I still fail to see the cause and effect connecting the inciting incident and goal. Him getting these powers out of the blue doesn’t logically connect with him needing to find true love. What does true love mean? Must he be married? Engaged? Committed? Love is subjective and even in the fairy tails requires a symbolic act of some sort, what’s his?
Lastly, what’s at stake? So what if he visualizes other people’s desires, is that a bad thing? What does he have to lose that forces him to make a deal with the devil?
See lessWhen he starts visualizing the sexual fantasies of anyone he touches, a love-struck freshman has one week to find true love or be doomed to rule hell. Title: SixSixSix
Little Nicky kind of did this already. In that they answered pretty much all the questions raised in this thread. The Devil is dying and his son (born to an angel after a drunken night with the Devil) must venture off into the human world to find a cure for his father.? It's not the same plot, but eRead more
Little Nicky kind of did this already. In that they answered pretty much all the questions raised in this thread. The Devil is dying and his son (born to an angel after a drunken night with the Devil) must venture off into the human world to find a cure for his father.? It’s not the same plot, but explores similar father/son themes between the devil and his offspring.
After reading your explanations, I think the plot is the problem – normally the case when a logline struggles to work. Being the Devil he can damn well do what ever he wants, deal or no deal, so binding him to a promise doesn’t make much sense.
See lessIs there something the son must do or else? Like in Little Nicky that the devil can’t deny or renege on?? Is there a more compelling set of circumstances for both son and father?