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A girl obsessed with UFO’s builds a small device to alert us, when the device goes off during a storm she encounters a strange figure.
As the others have noted, you need to describe what she does as a result of the alien ship being detected. I'll add that you also need to make a decision about which story you, as a writer, want to tell - Girl and father rekindle their relationship or girl does something with an alien.? The two plotRead more
As the others have noted, you need to describe what she does as a result of the alien ship being detected.
I’ll add that you also need to make a decision about which story you, as a writer, want to tell – Girl and father rekindle their relationship or girl does something with an alien.? The two plots are unrelated and trying to cram them into the one story will dilute them both.
Even if the two plots are semi-related i.e the father is the alien or he is the military officer that will take the alien away, you will still need to focus the story on either her relationship with the alien or her father. Subsequently, the logline would reflect this choice in its construction.
See lessMISSLE: Limited fuel and the LAPD heat leave a severely disabled man just one night on his two- wheeled hand-built killing machine to seek and destroy the gang that brutally murdered his brother.
This is unclear.The logline heavily relies on the reader to piece together the various bits of information in order to make sense of the plot, however, that's not what a logline should do.Instead of describing events, you're describing the particulars of his situation and forcing the reader to interRead more
This is unclear.
The logline heavily relies on the reader to piece together the various bits of information in order to make sense of the plot, however, that’s not what a logline should do.
Instead of describing events, you’re describing the particulars of his situation and forcing the reader to interpret what events had transpired. Best to stick to the convention of events and character descriptions in a logline.
What happened to the MC that made him end up with limited fuel and the LAPD after him? This should be one event that brought him to be the way he is in the beginning of the story. If you don’t have one event and it’s a series of them, make one up – it’s your inciting incident and is currently missing from the logline.
“…Two-wheeled hand built killing machine…” – is a long way of saying “…custom motorcycle…” and ultimately unnecessary. All that matters is he is going to seek and destroy the gang that killed his brother – that’s your plot, the specifics of the vehicle he uses are not relevant in a logline.
This brings me to the biggest problem – his goal. His goal is negative, he wants to kill for revenge, however, it would be better to give him a positive goal and in doing so make him a better person than the gang members. Perhaps he wants to bring them to justice or save the life of another person they have taken?
See lessDesperately trying to remember the events of his past , A man who suffers from Amnesia with superhuman powers crosses paths with a very strange life form that claims knowing of his past. However the governements of the world targets him and consider him as a danger.
Agreed with DPG. I'll add that the structure and wording of the logline are working against it. The logline is too long and describes too many details that don't contribute to a better understanding of the plot. I suggest you use whatever caused him to have amnesia as the inciting incident and descrRead more
Agreed with DPG.
I’ll add that the structure and wording of the logline are working against it.
The logline is too long and describes too many details that don’t contribute to a better understanding of the plot. I suggest you use whatever caused him to have amnesia as the inciting incident and describe it first. For example:
After a car crash, a superhero suffers amnesia and must fight his way across the world against secret agents to find out the truth.
This isn’t necessarily your story but it demonstrates economy in descriptions. I also think it would be better to give the MC a clearer goal aside from finding out the truth, is there a nemesis?
See less