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Based on real events, in 1984, when a black, gay political activist is arrested, facing painful rejection from within his own party, the death penalty and HIV; he lobbies the ANC to include a clause to the new Constitution, making it the first and only African nation to ban discrimination based on same-sex sexual orientation.
Agreed with DPG... almost.Yes rules can be successfully broken, and in this instance it could work, but why? Why not increase the chances of selling the idea by inventing an inciting incident - there's enough conflict to go around in this concept why not capitalize on it?Yes, I hear you loud and cleRead more
Agreed with DPG… almost.
Yes rules can be successfully broken, and in this instance it could work, but why? Why not increase the chances of selling the idea by inventing an inciting incident – there’s enough conflict to go around in this concept why not capitalize on it?
Yes, I hear you loud and clear – it didn’t happen in reality. That doesn’t mean it can’t happen in your story, and yes if you’re telling it this is your story not the real life character or his family’s.
Lastly, hone in one single goal, in the logline, what is his primary concern in this story? Is it gay rights? Is it racial discrimination? Is it the Aids epidemic? Instead of throwing a hand full of pebbles, hoping that one gets in the jar, focus your intention on the biggest subject matter and make? it move the reader.
See lessFrom a mostly-automated solar farm orbiting Earth, a programmer with survivalist inclinations once ridiculed by those closest to him strives from afar to save his ex-wife wife and young son from the sudden outbreak of nuclear war.
Good comments above. I'll add that the logline is too long and describes story elements of less relevance to the plot than ideal. For example, you could cut the description of him being ridiculed from the logline with little impact on the plot - it's backstory. It would be best to specify his goal.Read more
Good comments above.
I’ll add that the logline is too long and describes story elements of less relevance to the plot than ideal. For example, you could cut the description of him being ridiculed from the logline with little impact on the plot – it’s backstory.
It would be best to specify his goal. Currently he’s trying to save three people; wife, ex wife and son, but what about his mother, brother, best friend or next door neighbor? Are they not souls worthy of his efforts?
See lessPoint is, either specify a particular person of interest i.e a stakes character, or make him a hero on a grander scale and have him save his community at large or better yet humanity – he must stop the war!
A 17 year old punk, with dreams of becoming a professional MMA fighter, comes to terms with his rage, while looking after a deaf blind boy in a rough underclass community.
Agreed with DPG - coming to terms, with anything, is not a plot worthy action, it's what he does as a result that will make up his action as a hero. Further more, what is the causal connection between his rage, the boy and becoming an MMA fighter? To that matter, what is his inciting incident? WhatRead more
Agreed with DPG – coming to terms, with anything, is not a plot worthy action, it’s what he does as a result that will make up his action as a hero.
See lessFurther more, what is the causal connection between his rage, the boy and becoming an MMA fighter? To that matter, what is his inciting incident? What event motivates him to have to achieve a goal?