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Abandoned by his wife and depressed, a British middle aged man relocates to Bangkok; after finding work as a teacher, his depression quickly turns into hilarity.
NaiBKK.I strongly suggest you closely study the notes you got on your previous post of this same concept, as all most all previous comments still apply to this last draft of your logline.
NaiBKK.
I strongly suggest you closely study the notes you got on your previous post of this same concept, as all most all previous comments still apply to this last draft of your logline.
See lessReleased from jail after 24 years, obsessed with reclaiming his fortune, a man must play a deadly game, devised by his dead wife, that leads him through the nine circles of hell.
What Dkpough1 wrote. Also, by defining the character as "...obsessed with reclaiming his fortune?", you're describing the character's motivation without which the audience will not be able to make sense of his goal. Without this description as a qualifier, the goal seems unmotivated and therefore asRead more
What Dkpough1 wrote.
Also, by defining the character as “…obsessed with reclaiming his fortune?”, you’re describing the character’s motivation without which the audience will not be able to make sense of his goal. Without this description as a qualifier, the goal seems unmotivated and therefore as mentioned above lacking in cause and effect.
In good stories the motivation, or the need, is clear without a didactic approach, for example: During a drought, a poor Somalian??mother must cross the buffer zone to fetch water for her children. Cliche aside, the stakes are high and her obstacle and goal are clear, there is no need to describe her motivation – it’s evident in the particular set of circumstances. The description of the main character is dedicated to positioning her in the correct situation for the story, not used to describe her motivation.
My point is, can you come up with another plot point or event that makes him HAVE to get back his fortune? Otherwise is there a different goal you could give him, one that is related to heaven and hell? What if he needs to help a condemned love one?
See lessAn adventure-seeking elderly wife convinces her risk-averse husband to go on a European road trip to honour their friends’ will by scattering their ashes following their unexpected death.
The lack of detail extends to both inner and outer journeys. It's this lack of detail that we keep urging you to correct. As DPG wrote, the locale will have a huge impact in this instance, and needs to be specified. In addition you need to add obstacles, of some sort, and higher stakes. In previousRead more
The lack of detail extends to both inner and outer journeys. It’s this lack of detail that we keep urging you to correct.
As DPG wrote, the locale will have a huge impact in this instance, and needs to be specified.
In addition you need to add obstacles, of some sort, and higher stakes. In previous comments to this concept in other posts of yours I suggested including a ticking time bomb in form of a fatal condition and stakes character.
You wrote “…?death and will is the inciting incident that shakes the wife into realising how fragile life?”. Great I love a good and meaty philosophical discussion around existentialism, however this can’t make up a whole plot. If this is the subject matter you’re interest in, I suggest researching SUCCESSFUL stories?that dealt with similar topics – The Matrix, Tender Mercies, The Trip even Hamlet. A literal discussion of the theme will bore the audience to tears, it’s through metaphor that a writer can discuss it.
Point is, the above is not an inciting incident, please accept this. What the above does, is prompt the wife to think and reconsider not take action – action is what drives a plot. However the action you have, taking a road trip, has no real motivation. Outside of her emotions and thoughts, what is it in the REAL world that MAKES her NEED to go on the road trip? What is her goal and what is her practical?motivation?for achieving it except for life long desire to travel?
Consider The Trip, ?a low concept and fantastic film. Two brilliant comedy actors are paid to go on a road trip in England and review restaurants – it’s their job they have to do it or else the mortgages and alimonies won’t get paid. On top of this practical need for a trip, the writers built a subtle and yet interesting inner journey that exposes the superficiality of one character and the depth of the other.
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