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When the lands fairest Princess father is killed and throne taken by an Evil Suitor, her exiled mother she never knew returns to teach her the magical arts to take back her Kingdom
As mentioned above make the princess work for her lunch. If she is the MC then she needs to actively seek out a course of action that will save the day, i.e she searches for and finds the mother to learn magic and defeat the bad guy.The wording still comes across as a bit selfish "?take back the kinRead more
As mentioned above make the princess work for her lunch. If she is the MC then she needs to actively seek out a course of action that will save the day, i.e she searches for and finds the mother to learn magic and defeat the bad guy.
The wording still comes across as a bit selfish “?take back the kingdom?” best if you make her more concerned with the welfare of her people than her own throne. If the bad guy enslaves the people, then she MUST act to benefit?them all and not just herself.
Lastly the wording of your logline isn’t working. The idea of suitor is irrelevant to the logline and confuses the issue – how can he be a suitor if he kills her father and takes her kingdom? That may have been relevant several drafts ago, but not any more. Just describe the bad guy, as DPG mentioned, as a great opponent (wizard, sorcerer or magician), ?how he came to know the princess can be left to the script.
For example:
See less?After?a sorcerer kills her father and enslaves her people, a sheltered princess must search the land for her exiled mother in order to learn forbidden magic?so she can fight the usurper?and free the land.?
Approaching middle age and divorced; a British IT professional needs more fun injecting into his life. After moving to Bangkok and working as a teacher, he faces an overdose of funny situations.
The first sentence can be cut from the logline - it's back story and is not relevant to the plot.Then, as mentioned above, describe the inciting incident that motivates him to move. Secondly, and most importantly, what is his specific goal? What MUST he achieve in his move? If it's more fun, then deRead more
The first sentence can be cut from the logline – it’s back story and is not relevant to the plot.
Then, as mentioned above, describe the inciting incident that motivates him to move. Secondly, and most importantly, what is his specific goal? What MUST he achieve in his move? If it’s more fun, then describe what that means in practical terms.
Lastly, best to avoid vague description such as “…overdose of funny situations?”. Unless you describe the details of the plot, you’re asking the reader to come up with them for you – the point of a logline is for you to inform the reader not the other way around.
See lessA white racist has a week to find & then bring her deceased grandfather’s secret black family to attend the reading of the will.
While it may seem obvious, best to mention the inciting incident - death of the father. After her father dies a white racist must? Same with the goal, I presume you mean as a condition of getting the inheritance, if so mention it.?This?relates to Richiev's comment, why MUST she? What is the causal cRead more
While it may seem obvious, best to mention the inciting incident – death of the father.
After her father dies a white racist must?
Same with the goal, I presume you mean as a condition of getting the inheritance, if so mention it.?This?relates to Richiev’s comment, why MUST she? What is the causal connection between the inciting incident and goal?
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