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A group is held by a madman who is killing them one by one until they identify the traitors securing their freedom.
This sounds more like an indie-art house concept than a mainstream story. Unless you change it by at least picking a main character and giving him or her a goal, I'm not sure a logline will work for you on this.
This sounds more like an indie-art house concept than a mainstream story. Unless you change it by at least picking a main character and giving him or her a goal, I’m not sure a logline will work for you on this.
See lessAfter being threatened by an unknown adversary, a vampire warlord if forced to move against his rivals else it would mean certain death for him and his kin.
Sorry if the following happens to repeat feedback you've already gotten - I didn't read through all the notes posted to this thread. As a rule of thumb, Loglines are best constructed using the least amount of absolutely clear detail. Most working decision makers will have multiple loglines thrown atRead more
Sorry if the following happens to repeat feedback you’ve already gotten – I didn’t read through all the notes posted to this thread.
As a rule of thumb, Loglines are best constructed using the least amount of absolutely clear detail. Most working decision makers will have multiple loglines thrown at them every week. If they can’t immediately understand your story, they’ll shut down and won’t waste time/energy on absorbing any more information.
Going off your Revision 2, the logline raises more questions than it answers. For example:
– “…blessed champions…” is unclear; what are they the champions of? In what way are they blessed? Blessed by whom?
– If the MC is a vampire and he’s fighting the vampire counts, how is he uniting his kin if he’s also fighting them?
– Who precisely is he trying to usurp? All the counts? Just a few leaders? Usually, usurping is done to gain control over a single seat of power, whereas here it’s implied that one character will try to take over several. This sounds like less of an attempt to usurp and more of an attempt to overthrow the ruling class by one person to gain power – in other words, a dictatorship. Think about pretty much any dictatorship throughout history – they all thought they were doing the best thing for the people, but how did that work out…?
Producers may or may not take issue with the above, but the fact is that these are legitimate questions, which require clarification. If you end up explaining such complex details (in a pitch) to producers, you can bet on them switching off and likely passing on the concept.
See lessInspired by real events, an irreligious man tormented by supernatural disturbances in his newly-purchased home must seek help from unfamiliar sources when he learns he is dealing with the fiery spirits of Islamic lore?the Jinn.
The bigger problem with the logline is the vague nature of the descriptions - Jinn (like you suggested) is unclear and "...unfamiliar sources..." is too generic. Seeing as the MC is likely delusional, it may help to phrase it so the supernatural aspect could be seen as a figment of his imagination.Read more
The bigger problem with the logline is the vague nature of the descriptions – Jinn (like you suggested) is unclear and “…unfamiliar sources…” is too generic. Seeing as the MC is likely delusional, it may help to phrase it so the supernatural aspect could be seen as a figment of his imagination.
For example:
Inspired by real events, after he thinks a demon is haunting his house, an atheist must work with an exorcist to clear it out.
The specific theology is irrelevant and the type of spirit has no impact on the story. What matters most is that you have a man who doesn’t believe in God (or the supernatural) but is forced to deal with it directly.
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