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During the 1950?s in segregated Louisiana, a working-class African American mother and wife struggles with unforeseen births, deaths and racial issues while pursuing an unconventional career.
What specifically does the mother need to achieve? A struggle is good and all but a logline needs to focus the reader's attention at one specific goal. There's also no need to specify that she struggles with racial issues, that is very clear from the setting and period. Leveraging common knowledge,Read more
What specifically does the mother need to achieve? A struggle is good and all but a logline needs to focus the reader’s attention at one specific goal.
See lessThere’s also no need to specify that she struggles with racial issues, that is very clear from the setting and period. Leveraging common knowledge, of this type, in a logline gives power to the premise as the reader puts the pieces together in their mind’s eye without having the obvious spelled out.
A Psychic P.I. must enter his own mind to regain control of his body, before a vindictive former client who?s infecting his consciousness finds and kills his sister.
The basic premise isn't clear for the first time reader - I haven't read any other versions of this concept. Here is what I got just now: The MC is a psychic P.I - I'm not sure what a psychic P.I actually means. Does he use his powers to investigate cases? Does he only investigate cases related to pRead more
The basic premise isn’t clear for the first time reader – I haven’t read any other versions of this concept.
Here is what I got just now:
The MC is a psychic P.I – I’m not sure what a psychic P.I actually means. Does he use his powers to investigate cases? Does he only investigate cases related to people with psychic powers?
He needs to enter his own mind… Now this statement really threw me, the assumption is that a person is already in his own mind, how then does one enter that which he is already inside?
Perhaps, if the inciting incident was that another psychic took over his mind, he would now have to fight for control over it, but that wasn’t in the logline.
How can someone else infect a person’s consciousness? They could infect their mind or body, but consciousness is a state of being, it doesn’t make much sens that it can be infected. Also, infected how? How does this infection manifest itself? This may seem nit picky, but if you’re dealing with psychic powers, mind control and consciousness, you really need to get the terminology correct and logical so it makes sense across the board.
The sister is only mentioned last, how does she play into this? It feels like she was tacked on at the end to add a personal stake more than having been an integral part of the story.
See lessWhen an angel is brutalized by two racist police officers, he finds himself in a face to face confrontation with his estranged daughter that will decide the fate of humanity.
Agreed with Dkpough1. It seems as though you've got a few things you're trying to force into a story, and it seems as though they're not gelling well together. What's the most important aspect of the story as for as you're concerned? Is it saving humanity? Is it telling the story of a brutalized angRead more
Agreed with Dkpough1.
It seems as though you’ve got a few things you’re trying to force into a story, and it seems as though they’re not gelling well together.
What’s the most important aspect of the story as for as you’re concerned? Is it saving humanity? Is it telling the story of a brutalized angel? Is it the father daughter dynamic?
See less