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Beyond the Verse – A sassy Nun gets caught in the middle of a gangster war in Harlem New York and must outsmart the thugs to keep the peace for the neighborhood to flourish.
I think this is a good premise and can work really well as a crime comedy, however the logline needs some work. No need to include the title in the logline. "...gets caught in the middle of a gangster war..." is not specific enough for an inciting incident. In what way is she caught? How did she getRead more
I think this is a good premise and can work really well as a crime comedy, however the logline needs some work.
No need to include the title in the logline.
“…gets caught in the middle of a gangster war…” is not specific enough for an inciting incident. In what way is she caught? How did she get caught in the middle of the war? What is the specific event that make it clear to her beyond a doubt that she is caught up in the war?
Could it be that the big Jesus statue in her church got shot by a stray bullet in the crotch, and now they technically have a female Jesus looking down at them when they prey? Or could it be that one of the kids in a class she teaches gets shot?
Secondly best to define a clear objective goal for her to achieve in order for her to know that she has brought peace back to the neighborhood. For example she could need to have both gangs turn in all their guns or have all the gang leaders arrested, what ever it is the goal needs to be visual and described in specific terms.
See lessWhen the world?s greatest superhero succumbs to an unknown disease, a convicted bio-terrorist tries to turn his engineered plague into a cure.
This logline sets up two main characters - the super hero and the bio-terrorist. So who is the story about? What is a bio-terrorist? Is this a terrorist that uses biological weapons, if so I havn't heard of such a case. I point it out only because it may be a bit presumptuous to include a strange anRead more
This logline sets up two main characters – the super hero and the bio-terrorist. So who is the story about?
What is a bio-terrorist? Is this a terrorist that uses biological weapons, if so I havn’t heard of such a case. I point it out only because it may be a bit presumptuous to include a strange and story specific description, perhaps better to describe this character as a mad scientist or a convicted biologist.
See lessIn a near future three close but troubled small-town boys journey alone cross country seeking hope and meaning within a crumbling society exposing them to the realisation that their days as children and lifelong companions may be drawing to an end.
The latest draft of the logline is a great improvement. You now have an inciting incident (censorship) for a single character (boy) with a flaw (disillusioned) and a goal (witness the launch) that has a clear cause and effect relationship to the inciting incident, however I still fail to see the inhRead more
The latest draft of the logline is a great improvement. You now have an inciting incident (censorship) for a single character (boy) with a flaw (disillusioned) and a goal (witness the launch) that has a clear cause and effect relationship to the inciting incident, however I still fail to see the inherit stakes in this situation.
What is the worst that would happen should he fail to see the launch? Or better yet, what will he gain?
Secondly boy is a generic character description, and therefore a waist of a potentially good adjective. Could he be a choir boy, altar boy, space nerd, or geek instead?
See lessIn addition I don’t see how a young boy can be disillusioned, there may be some extreme scenarios such as boy soldiers but in this case it doesn’t seem believable. Perhaps he is naive and his grandfather is disillusioned, as a result of this he must help his grandfather to whiteness the launch in person before he dies. This way you have a stakes character, an obstacle (old guy in a wheel chair) and a more believable set of character descriptions.