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A grief-stricken man anoints himself the prince of a make-believe country to help his young son cope with his mother?s death but the story spirals out of control and he must come to terms with his own loss before his son is taken into state custody.
Agreed with the above.Also in the first draft there are two very common phrases used in many loglines: "...the story spirals out of control...", "...he must come to terms with..."These are bad phrases for loglines, they describe nothing but generic drama story elements. All good dramas should spiralRead more
Agreed with the above.
Also in the first draft there are two very common phrases used in many loglines: “…the story spirals out of control…”, “…he must come to terms with…”
These are bad phrases for loglines, they describe nothing but generic drama story elements. All good dramas should spiral out of control to one degree or another, other wise there isn’t much of an ordeal for the main character. Secondly all good main characters must come to terms with something or else their journey is superficial and pointless.
Best to describe the specific event that causes or starts the story off on spiraling out of control and then describe what he must do in order to come to terms with her death be it selling off her possessions or identifying the body.
See lessAfter being transported to a surreal world where she accidently kills the first person she meets, a young girl must team up with three strangers to kill again in order to get back home. (The Wizard of Oz)
Gees it sounds far more violent than I remembered it. I think "...transported..." sounds as if it is part of an itinerary as appose to an out of the ordinary event, perhaps caught in a tornado would be better. After she is caught in a tornado a farm girl is thrown into a magical land but kills a witRead more
Gees it sounds far more violent than I remembered it.
I think “…transported…” sounds as if it is part of an itinerary as appose to an out of the ordinary event, perhaps caught in a tornado would be better.
After she is caught in a tornado a farm girl is thrown into a magical land but kills a witch on her arrival, she must now travel far to find a wizard to ask for help before the dead witch’s sister catches her.
See less2012 has come and gone. A young woman discovers she?s descended from Aztec gods and joins the centuries-old fight between rival gods and their descendants for the preservation of her bloodline and the world.
The latest draft is a general description of vague actions, not a plot.The subject matter and genre have a lot of potential and the premise a wealth of visual spectacle worthy of block buster production values. However, the story is still unclear and lacks the necessary elements to generate a compelRead more
The latest draft is a general description of vague actions, not a plot.
The subject matter and genre have a lot of potential and the premise a wealth of visual spectacle worthy of block buster production values. However, the story is still unclear and lacks the necessary elements to generate a compelling journey.
Don’t get me wrong you may have already come up with it all, but it ain’t comin across in the logline.
As DPG said, ditch the period reference as it is an extraneous addition which clogs up the read. Then focus on your main character, “…young woman…” just don’t cut it… there are many young women out there, in what way does this describe her unique qualities? Describe what she does for a living and what her flaw is. These will help you direct the reader to understand the type of person she is and what her inner journey will be. It’s these elements that will make her story interesting once engulfed by fast moving VFX shots and chase sequences.
“…discovers she?s descended from Aztec gods…” implies that something out of the ordinary happened which illuminated her to her family’s origin. This means that her discovery of her blood line is as a result of the inciting incident, what is the inciting incident? Specify the event that made her realize who and what she is. Don’t just brush over this event with a token technicality make it significant, one that would motivate her to join a centuries old fight. Maybe she was the sole survivor of a horrible plain crash in which she lost her entire family or all her friends, the crash could have been caused by an evil Aztec god and so she wants revenge but learns to let go of her anger and becomes the champion of the good gods.
Lastly and most importantly give her a good goal. It may be to kill the Zeus like leader of the bad gods or destroy an artifact their all after, what ever it is, it should be specified in the logline. With out this goal the logline doesn’t actually describe a compelling plot.
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