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A leading career coach finds her livelihood on the line when her rival dares her to use the career-launching skills she brags about to transform a mysterious homeless man.
If all is at risk is her livelihood the stakes don't seam high enough - she can always get a job waiting tables... What if she was called out by her rival in public on stage in front of the largest audience she has ever taught whilst being broadcast live to the nation on TV. This way her reputationRead more
If all is at risk is her livelihood the stakes don’t seam high enough – she can always get a job waiting tables…
What if she was called out by her rival in public on stage in front of the largest audience she has ever taught whilst being broadcast live to the nation on TV. This way her reputation and legacy are at risk which I find more interesting than her livelihood.
Also the homeless man being mysterious doesn’t add to his character and therefor sounds strange as a description of the homeless man. If the description was that he is a drunk, an illiterate or mentally unstable then her challenge is even greater and as such the description of the homeless man contributes to the concept. Otherwise if you are trying to setup a plot twist where by the homeless man is a plant by the rival then it is not coming across and in any case it would be better to leave such twists for the synopsis so no need for the description to be mentioned in the logline.
Secondly best to describe the inciting incident as a significant event that forces the MC into action as appose to a state of being the MC “finds her self in”. Then make the goal a derivative of the inciting incident. Best to define her goal in specific terms what exactly does transform the homeless man mean? He must be working a full time job in 30 days? A part time job? He must be working as senior management in a company in 30 days?
My try:
After being challenged on live TV by her rival a leading career coach must protect her reputation and legacy by transforming a homeless man into a gainfully employed business person with in 30 days.
Hope this helps.
See lessA reclusive ornithologist finds his life turned upside down when everybody mistakes him for his namesake famous secret agent. He must escape dangerous people and evil henchmen to stop the villain before his plan destroys the habitat of an extremely rare bird.
In spy stories the stakes are normally life and death, I believe this to be important in order to help raise the tension in the story but in this instance if what's at stake is the natural habitat of a bird it falls short and doesn't have the same effect as life and death. So best to clarify how theRead more
In spy stories the stakes are normally life and death, I believe this to be important in order to help raise the tension in the story but in this instance if what’s at stake is the natural habitat of a bird it falls short and doesn’t have the same effect as life and death. So best to clarify how the MC’s action will relate to the world domination or equivalent stakes. Problem is if you pin the two up against each other: save a bird’s natural habitat and WORLD DOMINATION the former pails in comparison and should not be mentioned because his priority should be to save the world as appose to one species habitat there in.
I don’t see how this concept relates in any way to a space opera or world domination not from the logline anyhow so you may have to re think the concept to better clarify this in the logline.
“…peace and quiet…” don’t make for good goals because they are un defined and lack specificity. What will peace and quiet look like? How will he achieve this? Alone in the forest? Alone in a hotel room? Alone in an apartment? Alone in a cabin in the woods?? The multiple options to manifest this ambition and the lack of detail in its description make it generic so best to specify the details of the exact way in which he must find peace and quiet providing this will be his goal.
See lessA reclusive ornithologist finds his life turned upside down when everybody mistakes him for his namesake famous secret agent. He must escape dangerous people and evil henchmen to stop the villain before his plan destroys the habitat of an extremely rare bird.
"...finds his life turned upside down..." is another way of saying "has an inciting incident happen to him" better to specify what the incident is than proclaim it had occurred. What was the defining event that forced him into action? I will admit having needed to look up ornithologist (I'd like toRead more
“…finds his life turned upside down…” is another way of saying “has an inciting incident happen to him” better to specify what the incident is than proclaim it had occurred.
What was the defining event that forced him into action?
I will admit having needed to look up ornithologist (I’d like to think I am sufficiently educated and well read enough to qualify as an at least average logline reader…) is there another description you could use for his profession? Simply as it is best for he reader to get a handle on the MC with out needing to invest time beyond the read itself.
The premise of a simple Joe Shmo finding himself thrust into being a secret agent like guy worked well in comedy (The Man Who Knew Too Little, The In-Laws) is this a comedy?
The stakes seam rather low are there other elements or stake characters you could include to raise the stakes?
Hope this help.
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