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“When his evil sister captures his homeland and he is enslaved on a junk planet, a Norse god prince must escape his prison, raise an army and defeat his sadistic sibling.”
Confession time... I haven't seen it yet. Why does he get enslaved? If it's his sister that caused it, wouldn't it be better to specify that as your inciting incident? As it is now, the inciting incident is a bit confusing - is it the sister capturing his home planet? Or, is it him being enslaved? ARead more
Confession time… I haven’t seen it yet.
Why does he get enslaved? If it’s his sister that caused it, wouldn’t it be better to specify that as your inciting incident?
As it is now, the inciting incident is a bit confusing – is it the sister capturing his home planet? Or, is it him being enslaved? Also, what does “…capture his homeland…” actually mean? How is this a bad thing?
See lessTo stop the bloody war between the two Five Points gangs, gangleader Paul Kelly must defeat his rival Monk Eastman in a boxing match, with the winner?s gang taking the disputed territory.
The exception of using historical character names in a logline is valid for when the names hold currency - Jesus Christ, Al Capone, Barak Obama. In your case, the characters have been obscured in the pages of history, and while real historical figures, their names mean very little if anything to mosRead more
The exception of using historical character names in a logline is valid for when the names hold currency – Jesus Christ, Al Capone, Barak Obama.
In your case, the characters have been obscured in the pages of history, and while real historical figures, their names mean very little if anything to most readers.
It would serve you best to describe their function and role instead.
See lessWhen a young man is tormented by the spirit of his dead father telling him his mother will die because of him, he tries to find out more about his death.
Agreed with DPG and Mike. I'll add that "...young man..." is perfectly generic and lacks the detail a protagonist's description needs. It would be better to describe him through his flaw and profession instead.
Agreed with DPG and Mike.
I’ll add that “…young man…” is perfectly generic and lacks the detail a protagonist’s description needs. It would be better to describe him through his flaw and profession instead.
See less