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Twenty years after the horrific slaying of a family, terrified townsfolk wait in fear for the imminent return of the menacing monster that was put away for the crime.
"...News about the release of the monster..." is a weak inciting incident as it is not a distinctly visual event that can occur to the MC perhaps he discovers the mutilated body of a person he cares about this wold be powerful enough to motivate the MC to take action. "...The slow and painful wait..Read more
“…News about the release of the monster…” is a weak inciting incident as it is not a distinctly visual event that can occur to the MC perhaps he discovers the mutilated body of a person he cares about this wold be powerful enough to motivate the MC to take action.
“…The slow and painful wait…” So High Noon basically. Not sure this wold work well now days though.
See lessTwenty years after the horrific slaying of a family, terrified townsfolk wait in fear for the imminent return of the menacing monster that was put away for the crime.
I think the difficulty in the structure of a logline for this concept lies in a lack of appropriate motivation and descriptions for the MC. When I read "...clan leader..." I thought this is set amongst native Americans in ancient times or cave people but it actually is a modern day story. Why clan?Read more
I think the difficulty in the structure of a logline for this concept lies in a lack of appropriate motivation and descriptions for the MC.
When I read “…clan leader…” I thought this is set amongst native Americans in ancient times or cave people but it actually is a modern day story. Why clan? Can he not just be the local law officer that actually swore to protect the town? Who may have actually put the bad guy in jail in the first place? Perhaps a local lawyer who had him put in jail for many years? Etc…
Secondly as Nick mentioned there appear to be no personal stakes for the MC. Look at Cape Fear similar premise the MC must protect his daughter and wife it is not just a professional motivation for him.
Describing the MC as “…brave…” is again a generic description because all MC must at some point to some degree “be brave” to take on the challenge of achieving their goal. What is his character flaw? What will be his inner journey?
See lessA cunning serial predator lures a stranded schoolgirl back to his den, where he tries to make her a pawn in his sadistic game, or, can she outplay him?
I can't see a chess game being made very interesting, perhaps for a minute or two as part of a scene it could but not for a whole scene or whole short film. Secondly as many have already noted you need to state in specific terms what the protagonist will actually do. Stating that she will become a wRead more
I can’t see a chess game being made very interesting, perhaps for a minute or two as part of a scene it could but not for a whole scene or whole short film.
Secondly as many have already noted you need to state in specific terms what the protagonist will actually do. Stating that she will become a worthy opponent is inherit in the fact that she is the protagonist so this statement is redundant.
As you can see from DPG’s re draft he removed that line but even in that the logline is not clear on why or how she will save her life over the game of chess. If she wins the game and he is truly a psycho he will do what he wants to do regardless. If he doesn’t as a result of the game of chess then he wasn’t really a threat and the power of the climax her beating him at the end will be diluted.
Are there no other vehicles to portray their battle of wit?
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