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?An unassuming young gentleman, still struggling to find his place in the world, must face off with the 19th Century?s greatest criminal Kingpin to rescue his childhood sweetheart from a life of sexual servitude and topple the criminal conspiracy which may lead all the way to the Royal Family?
This draft of the logline adds many more words that contribute little to the plot, every word counts in a logline. A character description is best kept to a word or two unless absolutely vital for the plot "..An unassuming young gentleman, still struggling to find his place in the world," is using tRead more
This draft of the logline adds many more words that contribute little to the plot, every word counts in a logline. A character description is best kept to a word or two unless absolutely vital for the plot “..An unassuming young gentleman, still struggling to find his place in the world,” is using to many words to describe the MC.
Clarity and simplicity are key in a logline, look at DPGs version it is two sentences and describes a plot clearer. I would have changed “?takes on..” to a more specific action but other than that it describes a clear forward motion of character and action with cause and effect.
The rest of my comments are the same as the previous draft of the logline:
An unassuming young?? could mean a variety of things and doesn?t describe the MC in such a way that makes the reader understand how the journey ahead will be both challenging and important for him to go on. Define him as a poet, author or accountant so the reader knows what his normal state of being is. Then add a character description that illustrates a flaw such as an agoraphobe, OCD or introverted especially considering the times these would be particularly difficult to live with.
?face off with?? is too vague a description for the main action the MC will take in the story. Better to be specific in a logline, what will he do to defeat the bad guy? Will he fight him to the death? Will he set him up to be arrested? Will he climb the ranks of the organisation and take over?
Greatest criminal kingpin?? could be used to describe Don Corleone, Tony Soprano or Gus Fring. Problem is there have been so many of them already you really need to be specific in your description of the antagonist. What makes this criminal genius unique and to that matter an even greater obstacle for the MC? Is he a notorious killer? A violent psychopath? etc…
Lastly in log lines you want to state facts about the story define what goes on not could or may happen. Instead of ?may lead all the way to the Royal Family.? use ?that leads all the way to the Royal family.?
See lessWhen a government agent is sent to work on a new naval submarine, she discoveres that her ex-husband is out to kill her.
If the inciting incident is her being sent to work on a submarine, how does this relate to her stopping the ex from killing her? I am sure there is an explanation that comes through in the synopsis but the point is that the cause and effect relationship between the inciting incident and the MC goalRead more
If the inciting incident is her being sent to work on a submarine, how does this relate to her stopping the ex from killing her?
I am sure there is an explanation that comes through in the synopsis but the point is that the cause and effect relationship between the inciting incident and the MC goal needs to be clear from the logline and it isn’t here.
Secondly is the under water setting vital to the plot? If the plot is her discovering that the ex is trying to kill her then fighting him to save her own life that could (and has in many stories) happen any where. Why does this story need to be set on board a submarine?
The story can be set in a navel environment and on board a submarine but unless vital to the plot you could drop it from the logline and save on word count.
What will make her journey interesting to the audience is her overcoming her flaw in order to achieve her goal of beating the ex, what is her flaw?
Hope this helps.
See lessA naive young wordsmith from a country village must face down the dark and callous aspects of humanity to rescue his childhood friend, kidnapped years earlier, and bring down the criminal organisation which has subjugated her
This draft of the logline describes a more credible scenario and a story with more detail than the first draft. However the descriptions are still too vague for a logline and dilute the impact of the characters in the plot. "An unassuming young intellectual?" could mean a variety of things and doesnRead more
This draft of the logline describes a more credible scenario and a story with more detail than the first draft. However the descriptions are still too vague for a logline and dilute the impact of the characters in the plot.
“An unassuming young intellectual?” could mean a variety of things and doesn’t describe the MC in such a way that makes the reader understand how the journey ahead will be both challenging and important for him to go on. Define him as a poet, author or accountant so the reader knows what his normal state of being is. Then add a character description that illustrates a flaw such as an agoraphobe, OCD or introverted especially considering the times these would be particularly difficult to live with.
“?face off with?” is too vague a description for the main action the MC will take in the story. Better to be specific in a logline, what will he do to defeat the bad guy? Will he fight him to the death? Will he set him up to be arrested? Will he climb the ranks of the organisation and take over?
“Greatest criminal kingpin?” could be used to describe Don Corleone, Tony Soprano or Gus Fring. Problem is there have been so many of them already you really need to be specific in your description of the antagonist. What makes this criminal genius unique and to that matter an even greater obstacle for the MC?
Lastly in log lines you want to state facts about the story define what goes on not could or may happen. Instead of “?may lead all the way to the Royal Family.” use “?that leads all the way to the Royal family.”
See less