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  1. Posted: November 17, 2014In: Public

    Robbed of her childhood after a tragedy, a young woman struggles to get her life on track. After a passionate romance, she finally begins to see a future for herself, but her past makes her a danger to everyone she loves and she must learn to heal before her future is taken from her too.

    Neer Shelter Singularity
    Added an answer on November 18, 2014 at 9:51 am

    If the bad thing happened to her in her childhood, why does she suddenly now struggle to get her life on track? Presumable there have been a few years between the bad thing happening and her being an adult. Or has she been struggling ever since the bad thing happened? If so then she isn't trying toRead more

    If the bad thing happened to her in her childhood, why does she suddenly now struggle to get her life on track?

    Presumable there have been a few years between the bad thing happening and her being an adult.

    Or has she been struggling ever since the bad thing happened? If so then she isn’t trying to get her life back on track she is struggling for a normal life regardless what it was before.

    In addition to DPG’s comments I think the logline is missing the crucial starting point for the MC. Without this it will be hard for the reader to see the character trajectory.

    Hope this helps.

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  2. Posted: November 14, 2014In: Public

    A young and independent woman struggles to determine if she has made the right choice in marrying her husband when her irresistible and impulsive ex-boyfriend tries to win her back while she is on her honeymoon.

    Neer Shelter Singularity
    Added an answer on November 16, 2014 at 10:28 am

    Good points raised above. Also are "...young and independent..." relevant to the story? If not then better to change them to a shorter description that aids the reader in understanding the type of character and conflict she will encounter. Also "...woman..." is too generic a description in this caseRead more

    Good points raised above.

    Also are “…young and independent…” relevant to the story? If not then better to change them to a shorter description that aids the reader in understanding the type of character and conflict she will encounter.

    Also “…woman…” is too generic a description in this case; what kind of woman? I find the character’s job a good way to hint at her place in society, out look on life, aspirations, etc…
    For example if you define her as either a; lawyer, environmental activist or sculptor. You strait away tell the reader what kind of person she is.

    Lastly I would re structure the logline for the next draft. Put the appearance of the ex-boyfriend in the beginning of the logline, then after that what she does.
    The reason is that as the reader reads the logline they develop the story in their mind in the same way it would be told in the script/film. Therefore to help this happen the order of the events and actions in the logline would need to follow the same order as the finished story.

    Hope this helps.

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  3. Posted: November 14, 2014In: Public

    A young and independent woman struggles to determine if she has made the right choice in marrying her husband when her irresistible and impulsive ex-boyfriend tries to win her back while she is on her honeymoon.

    Neer Shelter Singularity
    Added an answer on November 16, 2014 at 10:28 am

    Good points raised above. Also are "...young and independent..." relevant to the story? If not then better to change them to a shorter description that aids the reader in understanding the type of character and conflict she will encounter. Also "...woman..." is too generic a description in this caseRead more

    Good points raised above.

    Also are “…young and independent…” relevant to the story? If not then better to change them to a shorter description that aids the reader in understanding the type of character and conflict she will encounter.

    Also “…woman…” is too generic a description in this case; what kind of woman? I find the character’s job a good way to hint at her place in society, out look on life, aspirations, etc…
    For example if you define her as either a; lawyer, environmental activist or sculptor. You strait away tell the reader what kind of person she is.

    Lastly I would re structure the logline for the next draft. Put the appearance of the ex-boyfriend in the beginning of the logline, then after that what she does.
    The reason is that as the reader reads the logline they develop the story in their mind in the same way it would be told in the script/film. Therefore to help this happen the order of the events and actions in the logline would need to follow the same order as the finished story.

    Hope this helps.

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      • Share on Twitter
      • Share on LinkedIn
      • Share on WhatsApp
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