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When a submissive guy, working for the mafia, is caught by the police he must help them to put the mafia behind bars to get the girl he really wants.
Getting a girl seams like a far lesser goal than SAVING HIS LIFE. I think best to focus on the bigger stakes at hand rather than the smaller ones. As previously mentioned in other comments this goal appears problematic. I think the reason is because in the currant draft of the logline the girl goalRead more
Getting a girl seams like a far lesser goal than SAVING HIS LIFE. I think best to focus on the bigger stakes at hand rather than the smaller ones.
As previously mentioned in other comments this goal appears problematic. I think the reason is because in the currant draft of the logline the girl goal is unrelated to the inciting incident. This makes the girl goal a (as I like to call it) “tacked on” goal that is more of a writing convenience than a plot requirement.
If he is a lowly criminal that aids the police the mafia will do away with him in a heart beat providing they find out. The police will put him in jail if he fails to deliver mission critical information to put the big bad guy behind bars. In jail the mafia will do away with him in a heart beat and they will definitely find out in this instance. This means his only option to stay alive is to put the bad guy or mafia boss behind bars.
Also better to specify how he will help the police because then we can clearly imagine what kind of action he will take during act 2.
Hope this helps.
See lessA shy, boring accountant gets transfered to Jamaica and meets the girl of his dreams, the Comedian Lola, and he must win her love by entering a comedy special on national television
Agreed with Nick and DPG about the originality aspect and further to DPG's comments about it being flipped inside out very true that would make a more interesting plot. Legally Blond came close only the dream guy was a good looking athletic popular guy but similar sentiment.
Agreed with Nick and DPG about the originality aspect and further to DPG’s comments about it being flipped inside out very true that would make a more interesting plot. Legally Blond came close only the dream guy was a good looking athletic popular guy but similar sentiment.
See lessA shy, boring accountant gets transfered to Jamaica and meets the girl of his dreams, the Comedian Lola, and he must win her love by entering a comedy special on national television
Agreed with Nick and DPG about the originality aspect and further to DPG's comments about it being flipped inside out very true that would make a more interesting plot. Legally Blond came close only the dream guy was a good looking athletic popular guy but similar sentiment.
Agreed with Nick and DPG about the originality aspect and further to DPG’s comments about it being flipped inside out very true that would make a more interesting plot. Legally Blond came close only the dream guy was a good looking athletic popular guy but similar sentiment.
See less