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July, 1937. A young missionaries daughter must evade the wrath of a merciless NKVD Major, and flee for her life through anti christian Soviet Union before the harsh winter sets in.
The logline doesn't paint a clear image of the obstacle, main action and a tangible goal. I think it is because the logic of the premise is hard to understand. I know the soviet union was harsh on religion but I wasn't aware of significant anti christian tendencies even in it's idealistic early daysRead more
The logline doesn’t paint a clear image of the obstacle, main action and a tangible goal. I think it is because the logic of the premise is hard to understand.
I know the soviet union was harsh on religion but I wasn’t aware of significant anti christian tendencies even in it’s idealistic early days.
Even if this was the case a logline should be able to paint a clear picture to anyone that hears it without the need for them to do any research about the subject matter.
Perhaps try to focus on the obstacles, antagonist and a tangible goal rather than the environment and social/political movements.
Tried a stab at it my self:
See less1937, with a few weeks of Autumn left, when a girl’s missionary parents are killed by a merciless major gone mad the young introverted girl must flee from Moscow to Bern to avoid being captured and save her own life.
July, 1937. A young missionaries daughter must evade the wrath of a merciless NKVD Major, and flee for her life through anti christian Soviet Union before the harsh winter sets in.
The logline doesn't paint a clear image of the obstacle, main action and a tangible goal. I think it is because the logic of the premise is hard to understand. I know the soviet union was harsh on religion but I wasn't aware of significant anti christian tendencies even in it's idealistic early daysRead more
The logline doesn’t paint a clear image of the obstacle, main action and a tangible goal. I think it is because the logic of the premise is hard to understand.
I know the soviet union was harsh on religion but I wasn’t aware of significant anti christian tendencies even in it’s idealistic early days.
Even if this was the case a logline should be able to paint a clear picture to anyone that hears it without the need for them to do any research about the subject matter.
Perhaps try to focus on the obstacles, antagonist and a tangible goal rather than the environment and social/political movements.
Tried a stab at it my self:
See less1937, with a few weeks of Autumn left, when a girl’s missionary parents are killed by a merciless major gone mad the young introverted girl must flee from Moscow to Bern to avoid being captured and save her own life.
An Ex-Shaolin Monk works as a Private Investigator in 1920?s New York. When he accepts a new murder case he find his past and present colliding and the only way to solve the case is to solve the mystery of his past.
Better to prioritize clarity over mystification in a logline, because the nondescript "...mystery of his past." doesn't evoke intrigue rather confusion with regards to the action the MC needs to take. The whole ex-shaolin monk thing seams like a hook and it is in my mind quite an interesting combo.Read more
Better to prioritize clarity over mystification in a logline, because the nondescript “…mystery of his past.” doesn’t evoke intrigue rather confusion with regards to the action the MC needs to take.
The whole ex-shaolin monk thing seams like a hook and it is in my mind quite an interesting combo. A super martial arts expert fighting bad guys during prohibition sounds good.
But it seams to be missing an antagonist and also if the genre is film noir then perhaps clarify this with a mention of the potential femme-fatale as well. This may help with the wording in the beginning of the logline that seams cumbersome:
1920’s NYC, When an ex Shaolin monk and now a PI is approached by a beautiful woman to find her father’s murderer. He must rely on his skills to fight his way through organized crime and police corruption to catch the killer.
Hope this helps.
See less