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  1. Posted: May 2, 2018In: Romance

    A perfectionist Youtube girl and a reclusive Twitch streamer spark an unlikely romance that threatens to derails their successful social media careers.

    Neer Shelter Singularity
    Added an answer on May 5, 2018 at 11:02 am

    Like Variable, I can't tell who the story is about. Which of the main characters is the protagonist? As a boy meets girl story this needs a clear force that keeps the lovers apart, what is it that prevents these two from being together?

    Like Variable, I can’t tell who the story is about.

    Which of the main characters is the protagonist?

    As a boy meets girl story this needs a clear force that keeps the lovers apart, what is it that prevents these two from being together?

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  2. Posted: April 30, 2018In: Examples

    A clever teenager hacks a military computer to play a nuclear war game only to trigger the computer into preparing to “play” a real nuclear war.

    Neer Shelter Singularity
    Added an answer on May 5, 2018 at 10:39 am

    You wrote: "...95%+ of the time we are on the same page, the same paragraph, the same sentence on all matters related to writing a logline.? But this is an instance where I beg to differ..." - Agreed, and in MHO, partially why this forum is so interesting. "...The mission of a logline is to get peopRead more

    You wrote:

    “…95%+ of the time we are on the same page, the same paragraph, the same sentence on all matters related to writing a logline.? But this is an instance where I beg to differ…” – Agreed, and in MHO, partially why this forum is so interesting.

    “…The mission of a logline is to get people to read the script…” – I disagree. The mission of a logline is to describe a plot – period.
    The motive for a writer to clearly communicate the plot could be for any number of reasons – get a script read, sell a concept, attract an actor. Ultimately, yes, we need our scripts to get read but that normally comes about as a result of a successful pitch and a logline is a means to get the opportunity to pitch.

    “…You can have a logline that perfectly conforms to the standard formula, but if it doesn?t have a story hook…”? – It means the concept is either flawed or not worth pursuing, either way, it’s not the structure of the logline that’s the problem rather the concept itself.

    “… It?s so implicitly obvious what his objective goal is…” – Doesn’t mean it couldn’t/shouldn’t be clearly stated.

    Ultimately, you can use whichever format you prefer to sell your concepts and try to get reads, but a logline (as this site professes…) requires the basic story elements stated in our beloved ‘Formula’ tab.

    Years ago, I read the book War Games before seeing the film, so my take is based more on the novel (which the film follows rather closely). The computer at some point determines that the practice rounds it’s playing with the Mathew Broadrick character are real – that’s what I mean by self-aware, the computer decides to make the “game” real. This was the first, out of the ordinary event, that truly forced the MC to take action, more importantly, it was an event out of his control – all of these are the necessary requirements for a good inciting incident.
    In contrast, his hacking into the computer is an event of his own doing, under his control, and entirely part of his hacker MO up to that point – it’s not out of the ordinary and certainly not specifically what forces him to take action.? Quite simply, this is not inciting anything but just another day in the life of a hacker.

    Last thing, about his flaw, you’re right that he’s not naive – I stand corrected, in fact when I think about it, he’s arrogant. Being smart and computer savvy (a rarity in the eighties) he thought he had the right to break into any computer system he wants because he had the ability to do so – which means his arrogance lead him to almost bring about a nuclear war, not his smarts.

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  3. Posted: April 30, 2018In: Thriller

    In a last attempt to prove himself, a washed-up detective must unravel the secrets of a small-town to find two missing children.

    Neer Shelter Singularity
    Added an answer on May 1, 2018 at 12:37 pm

    The logline got my interest only after the words "...two missing children..." - the children being taken is the inciting incident, it's what's at stake and what forces the MC to take action. The inciting incident needs to be written at the start of the logline, not the end, it defeats its own purposRead more

    The logline got my interest only after the words “…two missing children…” – the children being taken is the inciting incident, it’s what’s at stake and what forces the MC to take action. The inciting incident needs to be written at the start of the logline, not the end, it defeats its own purpose otherwise.

    On another note, a detective solving a crime is just another day on the job, there’s not much about this that sounds original or compelling. The fact that he’s washed up and wants to prove himself makes him selfish not interesting. Can you somehow connect the missing children to him in a personal way (his own children are taken or it’s the same MO of a kidnapper he failed to catch years before and he’s feeling guilty about it)? Or could his motivation be less about proving himself to the town and more about proving himself to his own family?

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