1. Posted: February 22, 2013In:

    When a team of zombie fighting monsters loses their commander a rookie Griffin steps up to lead them through the horde of New York City so they can deliver an immune human to a secure location for testing.

    Nicholas Andrew Halls Samurai

    I think, for the first time, I disagree with timmyelliot. I don't think this logline's problem is that the story is cliched - I've definitely never seen a story told from a Griffin's perspective ... is this thing gonna be like the Lion King meets Romero meets 16 Blocks? :) I think the problem that yRead more

    I think, for the first time, I disagree with timmyelliot. I don’t think this logline’s problem is that the story is cliched – I’ve definitely never seen a story told from a Griffin’s perspective … is this thing gonna be like the Lion King meets Romero meets 16 Blocks? 🙂

    I think the problem that you’ve got here is that (and I fall into this same trap) because the film is a fantasy, there’s a certain amount of information you think the audience needs to know to want to see the film. But what makes a film compelling enough to make is not (or at least shouldn’t be) the crazy creatures and effects, but the universal and relatable human story at the core. So what is it here?

    A rookie Griffin (is there something better than rookie? Inexperienced? Eager? Be more specific with the flaw of this character) must escort humanity’s last best hope to a secure location through zombie infested New York … (before – what are the stakes? I get humanity is on the line, as it is in all zombie movies, but what are the stakes for your protagonist, considering he’s not human and it’s humans he’s trying to help?)

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  2. Posted: February 22, 2013In:

    After publicly exposing his unique abilities a guilt-ridden teenager must defend his loved ones from the consuming evil that comes to recruit him.

    Nicholas Andrew Halls Samurai

    A guilt ridden teenager - our flawed protagonist. The inciting incident - exposing his abilities. The action and stakes - defending his loved ones from evil. As timmyelliot says above, with the exception of your protagonist, the rest of the logline is far too vague. What abilities exactly did he havRead more

    A guilt ridden teenager – our flawed protagonist.

    The inciting incident – exposing his abilities.
    The action and stakes – defending his loved ones from evil.

    As timmyelliot says above, with the exception of your protagonist, the rest of the logline is far too vague. What abilities exactly did he have that can be exposed? What are is the evil, and why is it coming for his family, and how is he fighting it off?
    These are the things that will determine whether your story is unique or the same superhero story that’s already been told a thousand times.

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  3. Posted: February 19, 2013In:

    When a time travelling cover-band frontman steals hits before they're famous, his musical idol descends into a suicidal depression and to save his life he must overcome his lust for fame.

    Nicholas Andrew Halls Samurai

    Thanks. I debated how to describe the character a lot. He's a narcissist, but it's also important to know that he's in a cover band (specifically). It tells us a lot about the fact that he's lived in the shadow of better musicians his whole life, and it also explains why he already knows the songs aRead more

    Thanks.

    I debated how to describe the character a lot. He’s a narcissist, but it’s also important to know that he’s in a cover band (specifically). It tells us a lot about the fact that he’s lived in the shadow of better musicians his whole life, and it also explains why he already knows the songs and can exploit them when he travels back in time. I just can’t seem to trim it down to something that rolls smoothly off the tongue …

    I actually dropped the I.I. after the previous version of the logline. It’s after his cover band loses their only regular gig that he decides to use the time travel plot device to make himself famous in the past. I get what you’re saying – that the above is phrased so that it appears that the time travel itself is the inciting incident – but the trouble I’m having is that the main character’s goal changes at the midpoint. For the first half of the movie (inspired by the I.I. I’ve described) he’s obsessed with the fame and fortune he feels is owed to him. But at the midpoint, when he learns that the cost of his fame is that this musical idol feels creatively bankrupt and wants to kill himself, his goal shifts to wanting to save him.

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