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When a perfectionist hitman kills the wrong man he has only two hours to find out what went wrong before the Mob can take its brutal revenge.
Pretty close - but I have two niggling little issues: The final part "the Mob can take its brutal revenge" suggests that in two hours, the Mob will have the chance to take their revenge. If you reword it to "the Mob takes its brutal revenge," it makes it a foregone conclusion. If he stuffs up, they'Read more
Pretty close – but I have two niggling little issues:
The final part “the Mob can take its brutal revenge” suggests that in two hours, the Mob will have the chance to take their revenge. If you reword it to “the Mob takes its brutal revenge,” it makes it a foregone conclusion. If he stuffs up, they’ll kill him. Plus you drop a word from the word count.
I think that “perfectionist” is not a strong enough description of this character, since it’s the one word in your logline that separates your story from a thousand other “I killed the wrong man, now must uncover what’s really going on” type stories. This guy is meticulous – I imagine almost obsessive compulsive. I could be wrong, but I would suggest you having a bit of a think for a more precise (and extreme) description of his character flaw.
Other than that it’s working really well.
See lessIn order to seduce his junior assistant, a conceited inventor exchanges bodies with an attractive stranger. But when she rejects his advances and he loses control of his research, he must attempt to reverse the exchange or else face the rest of his life living someone else's.
I hear what you're saying - I use the same structure again and again. But what is the alternative? By its very nature a logline needs to be set up in that fashion. Every logline on this site (if written correctly) reads like this: When (the inciting incident happens), a (flawed protagonist) must (acRead more
I hear what you’re saying – I use the same structure again and again. But what is the alternative? By its very nature a logline needs to be set up in that fashion. Every logline on this site (if written correctly) reads like this:
When (the inciting incident happens), a (flawed protagonist) must (achieve this goal) before (whatever the stakes of failure are occur).
The optional conjunction (step 3) is included when the goal of the protagonist changes at the midpoint (for instance, in this story, the first half of the film is concerned with him trying to sleep with the girl, the second half is him trying to reverse the damage done. Or in Avatar – trick the Na’vi into moving, save the Na’vi. Or Toy Story – get rid of Buzz, get back home).
So what’s the problem with this setup grammatically?
See lessWyatt Johnson is a washed up arcehologist who discovers a lost Egyptian city of immeasurable riches and must fight off the world famous tomb raider Karl Freidrick, who will stop at nothing to claim the discovery for himself.
First order of business - drop those names. They're not necessary in the logline. You've given us the flawed protagonist - a washed up archaeologist. You've given us his ruthless rival. The event; the discovery of a lost city of immeasurable wealth ... What is the action that forms the bulk of the sRead more
First order of business – drop those names. They’re not necessary in the logline.
You’ve given us the flawed protagonist – a washed up archaeologist. You’ve given us his ruthless rival.
The event; the discovery of a lost city of immeasurable wealth …
What is the action that forms the bulk of the story? What are the stakes of failure – just the loss of potential wealth?
Also, this bears contemplation at this stage – obviously this is meant to have an Indiana Jones/Tomb Raider/National Treasure vibe to it (what with the title and all) … but what sets it apart and makes it unique compared to those franchises? What’s the fresh take on the old format?
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