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2366: Earth is on the verge of collapse and the wealthy Convert themselves into android bodies for life extension to travel to New Earth, 103 years away. When Conversion for a corrupt detective finds him malfunctioning on a garbage tip and his family nowhere in sight he has three days to repair his body, find his family and get on the ship to New Earth before it leaves.
Cool concept, messy logline. All of that futuristic stuff, while necessary to understand the story ultimately, isn't going to do anything to help sell script (probably), or help you identify the story for yourself while you work through your script. Go back to the basics of the logline; What is theRead more
Cool concept, messy logline.
All of that futuristic stuff, while necessary to understand the story ultimately, isn’t going to do anything to help sell script (probably), or help you identify the story for yourself while you work through your script.
Go back to the basics of the logline; What is the inciting incident, or event? When he wakes up on a garbage heap?
Who is your protagonist? The mind of a corrupt detective in a malfunctioning robot body. (But in essence, a corrupt detective).
What is his goal? To repair his body and get to the starship before he launches, or lose his family for ever.
By stripping it back to the central human components, you should be able to trim it back AND keep it compelling. So I would suggest:
When he wakes to find himself in the body of a malfunctioning robot, a corrupt detective must race against time to repair himself and find his family, before they are whisked away forever on an interstellar starship.
See lessWhen friends miss their hotel reservation, they seek refuge from snowstorm in abandoned factory only to fight for survival against ancient witch hiding there.
I would go so far as to say don't just define the group of people we're dealing with (as said above, it's important to know the demographic it's likely to be targeted at) ... but detail who the protagonist is as well! What is their flaw? Who is the character that will propel the action, and who willRead more
I would go so far as to say don’t just define the group of people we’re dealing with (as said above, it’s important to know the demographic it’s likely to be targeted at) … but detail who the protagonist is as well! What is their flaw? Who is the character that will propel the action, and who will change, and who the audience will sympathize with?
“Fight for survival” works succinctly to give us both the goal and the stakes in just three words, so I’d definitely keep that.
I guess my only other observation is … what makes this unique among so many films of this nature? What’s the hook?
See lessWhen an honest high school football star kills a young woman while driving drunk, his morals are put to the test when those he respects cover up the crime.
I agree with the revision of "honest" - perhaps "a principled football star"? Also - his morals are put to the test is compelling, sure, but it doesn't give an idea of what the bulk of the film is going to actually have him doing. Is he fighting them in court? Is he slinking by trying not to make aRead more
I agree with the revision of “honest” – perhaps “a principled football star”?
See lessAlso – his morals are put to the test is compelling, sure, but it doesn’t give an idea of what the bulk of the film is going to actually have him doing. Is he fighting them in court? Is he slinking by trying not to make a big deal of it? I think you need to be more explicit describing what he does, and what the stakes of failure are if he doesn’t do it.