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When 13 year old Bob decide to handover certain family artifacts and heirlooms of over 300 years to the British National Museum, an ancient war resumes and to stop the war, Bob has to go into the past to right the wrongs made by his ancestors.
First off, what is Bob's character flaw? (I'd avoid using his name in the logline as well). The meat and potatoes of the film appears to be Bob going back in time 300 years to ... do what? This unclear. Righting wrongs of his ancestors is a little too vague. With that in mind, you don't need to spenRead more
First off, what is Bob’s character flaw? (I’d avoid using his name in the logline as well).
See lessThe meat and potatoes of the film appears to be Bob going back in time 300 years to … do what? This unclear. Righting wrongs of his ancestors is a little too vague.
With that in mind, you don’t need to spend quite as much time on the set up, I think. Something more along the lines of “When some ancient family heirlooms revive the ghosts of his ancestors locked in a bloody battle …”. Or something like that, only better.
As a note to one of your comments, you say that Bob needs to stop the way to save his own health. Those stakes are just way too low. Maybe save his life? Save the life of everyone in his family? Make them higher for sure.
A perfectionist hitman is drafted by two mobsters to assassinate their Don. Twenty nine hours later; he's struggling to cope with his dying father, seduced into an electric one-night stand, and, in a bizarre twist of fate, seriously wounded. Can he learn the identity of his betrayer before his world comes crashing down?
All of that really interesting middle section ... is superfluous. You've given us you inciting incident (hired to kill a Don), and the action (once betrayed, he fights to uncover the truth behind the betrayal). I think if you want to include that other stuff you need to find a more organic way for iRead more
All of that really interesting middle section … is superfluous. You’ve given us you inciting incident (hired to kill a Don), and the action (once betrayed, he fights to uncover the truth behind the betrayal). I think if you want to include that other stuff you need to find a more organic way for it to put it across.
See lessAlso, “the world come crashing down” is a little vague – what specifically will happen if he fails to discover (and catch/kill?) the person who betrayed him?
An amateur journalist, a superstitious scientist, and a teen know-it-all, unravel the mysteries of a mansion in the woods which is being guarded by a secret government agency.
I would suggest trying to clarify who the protagonist is; because you list three, it's hard to know which character is going on the journey, what action it is that they specifically are going to take, and what the flaw they are going to overcome in the story is. So I'd revise to only include one (thRead more
I would suggest trying to clarify who the protagonist is; because you list three, it’s hard to know which character is going on the journey, what action it is that they specifically are going to take, and what the flaw they are going to overcome in the story is. So I’d revise to only include one (the one with the furthest to go to resolve their flaw).
See lessSecondly, the promise of something strange and mysterious is great, but you’ve come across as too vague when you state “unravel the mysteries of a mansion … etc.” What precisely is the action your protagonist takes? Are they exposing a government conspiracy?