1. Posted: October 11, 2012In:

    A young African-American woman and her family flee from her violent father in 1960s deep south. Amidst rock star fame in the 1970s, however, she discovers that she may be the very thing she had hated as a child.

    Nicholas Andrew Halls Samurai

    I agree with Kriss - drop the first sentence and find a way to incorporate it into the rest. The problem for me in this logline is that it's way too vague - a character discovers they might be a certain way. There's no goal clearly stated, which makes it difficult for me to know whether it's a storyRead more

    I agree with Kriss – drop the first sentence and find a way to incorporate it into the rest.

    The problem for me in this logline is that it’s way too vague – a character discovers they might be a certain way. There’s no goal clearly stated, which makes it difficult for me to know whether it’s a story I want to see. Because there’s no goal, the stakes of failing to achieve that goal are not clear.

    What you have hinted at in the logline is SURVIVAL – now, this is primal, and relatable, and it’s what COULD get me interested in your idea.

    So … a rock star (what sort? I don’t mean metal versus country, I mean, is she a faded and jaded rock star? A bright young thing with stars in her eyes? What sort of character is this rock star?) is trying to achieve something … what else can you give us?

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  2. Posted: October 9, 2012In:

    Three losers dream of making it big with their online retail business until one of them decides to rob the company's account. The other two find their way out from the angry buyers and hunt down the conman only to discover that he has lost his memory. They must now try and recover the cash or give in to the cops.

    Nicholas Andrew Halls Samurai

    I agree with damien - you've provided a synopsis but not a great logline. What I'm seeing working a lot on this site is = "When (inciting incident happens), (protagonist) must (goal) before (antagonist) can (stakes)." Try to cut down on the excess, focus on the essential, and give this one another tRead more

    I agree with damien – you’ve provided a synopsis but not a great logline. What I’m seeing working a lot on this site is = “When (inciting incident happens), (protagonist) must (goal) before (antagonist) can (stakes).”

    Try to cut down on the excess, focus on the essential, and give this one another try.

    Why “Two Men and a Baby”? What does “STUD” stand for in that title?

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  3. Posted: October 9, 2012In:

    An idealistic detective must protect a witness from the corrupt cops of an outpost town after his witness kills a cop in self defence.

    Nicholas Andrew Halls Samurai

    Thanks Geno - I appreciate the praise. I will need to iron out this logline, but at least I know that the premise has legs - so that's a huge weight off my shoulders. Regarding self-defence, which is spelt with a "c" in Australia (where I live and work), thanks for the pickup nonetheless, and the hyRead more

    Thanks Geno – I appreciate the praise.

    I will need to iron out this logline, but at least I know that the premise has legs – so that’s a huge weight off my shoulders.

    Regarding self-defence, which is spelt with a “c” in Australia (where I live and work), thanks for the pickup nonetheless, and the hyphen. Also, point taken about the repeated words. I’ll sort it out.

    I’ll give this logline another try.

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