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A cunning serial predator lures a stranded schoolgirl back to his den, where he tries to make her a pawn in his sadistic game, or, can she outplay him?
This logline is phrased as though the sadistic serial predator is the protagonist (it starts and follows their journey until "can she outplay him?"). The red flag there is that you're going to face a challenge making that character likeable. But stranger things have happened. More concerning is thatRead more
This logline is phrased as though the sadistic serial predator is the protagonist (it starts and follows their journey until “can she outplay him?”). The red flag there is that you’re going to face a challenge making that character likeable. But stranger things have happened.
More concerning is that there is not event that happens TO your protagonist (he deciding to abduct this woman), so the structure of your story is fundamentally broken. Remember, in the first act something has to happen TO the protagonist to shake them from their day to day life and force them to take SOME action in response.
I personally can’t stand questions in a logline — this isn’t a pitch, it’s a logline. It’s the core concept distilled of your movie. There shouldn’t be any questions, just the bare bones idea of the film. Right now I don’t know what that is. I would instead be clearer with what the protagonist’s goal is, and what is at stake if they fail.
See lessWhen political and selfish interests become top priorities,other events are secondary including family and love.In a situation where love gets entangled in the midst of it,what happens?
Everything about this is too vague. What is the event that causes political interests and selfish interests to become the top priority for your protagonist? What is the action they take as a direct result of that, and what is your protagonist's goal? You've alluded to the stakes being family and lovRead more
Everything about this is too vague.
What is the event that causes political interests and selfish interests to become the top priority for your protagonist? What is the action they take as a direct result of that, and what is your protagonist’s goal?
You’ve alluded to the stakes being family and love … but you need to be more specific. Is it a wife and kids they protagonist is risking, or a partner, or just a child?
I have no idea who your protagonist is or what their flaw might be, so I can’t possibly invest myself emotionally in your concept.
Right now all I know is that it’s a vaguely political drama?
See lessShort Film: After the Sun went out, the earth became a cold, dangerous and dark place and people avoid leaving the house in fear of the temperature, murderers and lack of oxygen. When a young girl, depressed by her parents disappearance, realizes her little sister has left, she must go out and find her before it's too late.
Just too bloated, especially for a short film. "A young girl ventures forth into the darkness to rescue her sister from murderers lurking in Earth's eternal night." OK, pretty vague. It's not great. But you can definitely cut your logline down to something tight like that. Also -- "YOUNG" is not a gRead more
Just too bloated, especially for a short film.
“A young girl ventures forth into the darkness to rescue her sister from murderers lurking in Earth’s eternal night.”
OK, pretty vague. It’s not great. But you can definitely cut your logline down to something tight like that.
Also — “YOUNG” is not a great descriptor for a character. “GIRL” gender is a stupid function for a character to have. Don’t define your character simply by being a ‘young girl’ … or else they’re bound to be paper thin. Is she optimistic? Naive? Rambunctious? What else defines her beyond being a girl? (Also, gender is identified in the pronoun you use … “her” … so you’re wasting words in specifying that she’s a “girl” anyway).
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