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Thomas Gunn an New Hampshire lawenforcement officer, gets a call from an old friend from Mississippi, to come down and solve a murder. Finding out who did it and many wrenchs thrown in the process
First off, don't tell me names of characters (and unless it's SUPER relevant to the plot, which in this case it doesn't feel like it, don't tell me locations either). This is becaus you have no brand recognition for that character, so it doesn't mean anything at this stage. You logline is "A cop isRead more
First off, don’t tell me names of characters (and unless it’s SUPER relevant to the plot, which in this case it doesn’t feel like it, don’t tell me locations either). This is becaus you have no brand recognition for that character, so it doesn’t mean anything at this stage.
You logline is “A cop is asked to solve a murder in another town … and it’s difficult.”
I’m not hooked by that concept. You need to tell me a story I’ve never been told before, or tell it in a way that hasn’t been done before.
Also — what is your protagonist’s flaw, and what personal stake do they have in the solving of this murder? Murder sucks, but if I’m going to pay $20 for a ticket to this I’m going to want to know that my characters have something personally invested in the resolution of this story.
Also — cops solving murders is not ironic or a hook in and of themselves. Because that’s their job, they’re meant to do that. So if it HAS to be a cop solving the murder (and not someone LESS qualified) … make it so that solving the crime would be harder for them than anyone else. Monk has OCD and is a clean freak. The cop in Fargo is constantly underestimated by the antagonists AND the audience because she’s a pregnant woman. Find your OCD/pregnancy and exploit that.
See lessA young advertising executive, on a rebound, falls for the girlfriend of his close childhood friend and woos her till she yields; they carry out a clandestine affair right under the nose of her boyfriend till she begins to suffer from guilt and decides to call off the affair; but her boyfriend comes to know of the affair and has his own plans.
Way too much information given here, and then you miss out on the crucial part. All that I really need from the above is: "A young advertising executive has an affair with his best friend's wife ..." But without a strong event, this doesn't function as an effective action for your protagonist to takRead more
Way too much information given here, and then you miss out on the crucial part.
All that I really need from the above is:
“A young advertising executive has an affair with his best friend’s wife …”
But without a strong event, this doesn’t function as an effective action for your protagonist to take. And this can’t be the event itself, because it’s an action that the protagonist takes, and the inciting incident HAS TO happen to the protagonist to upset the equilibrium of his life.
So … perhaps the “When his mistress breaks off their illicit affair, a young advertising executive must …”
This COULD work as the event that kicks things into gear, but you’d still need to tell me what the action he takes in response to this would be.
Why an advertising executive? How does that factor into anything else in the logline? Remember, when constructing a protagonist, the point is to craft someone who’s the LEAST LIKELY to be able to handle the situation you put them in, the LEAST LIKELY to be able to achieve their goal. If it’s the story of someone dealing with secrets and affairs, their function in the world would be best suited if they were used to having to always be open and honest. Maybe he’s a marriage counselor, for instance? Perhaps his life’s work is to promote healthy, open and honest communication between partners?
Also … YOUNG is a very boring flaw for the character to have. When you have to be economic in your description of your character and their flaw, YOUNG doesn’t do enough to tell me what their inner journey is going to be. Are they optimistic, and their arc is going to be a crushing of that optimism? Or are they skeptical, and their eyes are opened to the possibility and wonders of the universe and love? Obviously, this would help to nail your tone, as well, because it’s not super clear from the logline.
See lessAfter a big CEO threatens to convert their inherited community TV station into a home shopping channel. Two brothers must find the worst talent to produce the worst shows in order to make the CEO lose interest and give them back their station to uphold their dying father's wish.
I feel like you've overloading the logline with information that isn't super relevant, and it's kind of hiding what feels like a logic problem in the logline. The CEO wants to turn the community TV station into a shopping network. I can understand his motivation there, if he thinks it's going to beRead more
I feel like you’ve overloading the logline with information that isn’t super relevant, and it’s kind of hiding what feels like a logic problem in the logline.
The CEO wants to turn the community TV station into a shopping network. I can understand his motivation there, if he thinks it’s going to be more lucrative for him.
Destroying the community TV station’s reputation doesn’t feel like it’s an appropriate action to take in response to this event, because it doesn’t feel like it’d make any difference if the CEO is going to scrap the community programming anyway? Like, it’d only be an effective strategy if your antagonist was TRYING to amass viewers and improve ratings, and your characters were actively working against that.
I like the concept — they have to make bad TV to destroy the station — but it doesn’t feel like the right response considering the event that’s occurring to them.
That’s story shit, I guess, and just my two cents. But if you’re dead set on pushing forward with this version of the story, the logline is just too bloated.
Focus it on one brother enlisting the other’s help, to communicate who your protagonist is and what the flaw (and likely theme) of the series is going to be.
Tacking ‘to fulfill the father’s dying wish’ on the end doesn’t raise the stakes … just more questions. Because the wish hasn’t been central to anything else in the logline, and I don’t even know what it is. So I don’t think that’s helping you there. (The threat of unemployment is pretty high anyway — and if this is a bit of a Young Ones/IT Crowd tonally — the punk aesthetic and ‘fuck you authority’ sentiment kind of negates the need for such high stakes).
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