Have an account? Sign In Now
Lost your password? Please enter your email address. You will receive a link and will create a new password via email.
Please briefly explain why you feel this question should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this answer should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this user should be reported.
Following the Nazi pillaging of her family?s treasures and their theft by a German youth, a destitute Dutch girl traces a mysterious red velvet pouch to Australia where, pursued by German agents, she recovers her family diamonds and falls for the thief?s grandson.
There's still zero conflict in this version of the story. The jewels weren't stolen from her, but her ancestors. In story terms, this is pretty problematic. This is what happens in your story: She goes to an archive and finds out someone in Australia had something to do with the theft. (Where did thRead more
There’s still zero conflict in this version of the story. The jewels weren’t stolen from her, but her ancestors. In story terms, this is pretty problematic. This is what happens in your story:
She goes to an archive and finds out someone in Australia had something to do with the theft. (Where did this pouch come from? Does she have it to start with or get it at the archives? Or does she not even have it, but just know about it?)
She goes to Australia and is led to the diamonds.
Everything works out.
That’s not compelling AT ALL because there is no conflict. Nobody is trying to stop her. It’s not even a DIFFICULT mystery to solve, because currently she solves it in the opening act! And there doesn’t seem to be anything at stake other than some diamonds that SHE NEVER HAD, and has lived her whole life without to this point …
See lessFollowing the Nazi pillaging of her family?s treasures and their theft by a German youth, a destitute Dutch girl traces a mysterious red velvet pouch to Australia where, pursued by German agents, she recovers her family diamonds and falls for the thief?s grandson.
There's still zero conflict in this version of the story. The jewels weren't stolen from her, but her ancestors. In story terms, this is pretty problematic. This is what happens in your story: She goes to an archive and finds out someone in Australia had something to do with the theft. (Where did thRead more
There’s still zero conflict in this version of the story. The jewels weren’t stolen from her, but her ancestors. In story terms, this is pretty problematic. This is what happens in your story:
She goes to an archive and finds out someone in Australia had something to do with the theft. (Where did this pouch come from? Does she have it to start with or get it at the archives? Or does she not even have it, but just know about it?)
She goes to Australia and is led to the diamonds.
Everything works out.
That’s not compelling AT ALL because there is no conflict. Nobody is trying to stop her. It’s not even a DIFFICULT mystery to solve, because currently she solves it in the opening act! And there doesn’t seem to be anything at stake other than some diamonds that SHE NEVER HAD, and has lived her whole life without to this point …
See lessHer birthright stolen and burdened with a fear of the water a Dutch woman dives in a submersible and races a powerboat through mountainous seas to silence her German tormentors and defeat her own demons. The third and last in the trilogy. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
You have to read it through too many times to make heads or tails of what the story is about. This is a really bad sign for what is meant to be a single sentence that gives the reader the basic concept and conflict of your story. It's also very vague. What is the event that forces her to take this aRead more
You have to read it through too many times to make heads or tails of what the story is about. This is a really bad sign for what is meant to be a single sentence that gives the reader the basic concept and conflict of your story.
It’s also very vague.
What is the event that forces her to take this action so drastically at odds with who she is? It must be massive, right? For someone afraid of water to react to something by jumping in a submersible then a powerboat? What is ‘her birthright’ and how has it been ‘stolen’?
Can seas BE mountainous?
If these Germans are so far away, in what manner have they been tormenting her? And what information are they going to reveal that she has to silence them? What are the stakes, and what is the hurry?
Are her country of origin and her gender really the most crucial and relevant descriptors of her as a character?
I can’t even suggest how I think this should be re-written because from my perspective the story is too broken.
See less