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  1. Posted: September 1, 2014In: Public

    Her birthright stolen and burdened with a fear of the water a Dutch woman dives in a submersible and races a powerboat through mountainous seas to silence her German tormentors and defeat her own demons. The third and last in the trilogy. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

    Nicholas Andrew Halls Samurai
    Added an answer on September 5, 2014 at 9:44 am

    You have to read it through too many times to make heads or tails of what the story is about. This is a really bad sign for what is meant to be a single sentence that gives the reader the basic concept and conflict of your story. It's also very vague. What is the event that forces her to take this aRead more

    You have to read it through too many times to make heads or tails of what the story is about. This is a really bad sign for what is meant to be a single sentence that gives the reader the basic concept and conflict of your story.

    It’s also very vague.

    What is the event that forces her to take this action so drastically at odds with who she is? It must be massive, right? For someone afraid of water to react to something by jumping in a submersible then a powerboat? What is ‘her birthright’ and how has it been ‘stolen’?

    Can seas BE mountainous?

    If these Germans are so far away, in what manner have they been tormenting her? And what information are they going to reveal that she has to silence them? What are the stakes, and what is the hurry?

    Are her country of origin and her gender really the most crucial and relevant descriptors of her as a character?

    I can’t even suggest how I think this should be re-written because from my perspective the story is too broken.

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  2. Posted: September 5, 2014In: Public

    A pathological liar is subpoenaed to testify in a murder trial against his only friend.

    Nicholas Andrew Halls Samurai
    Added an answer on September 5, 2014 at 9:37 am

    I don't understand the conflict here ... he's just going to lie right? So his friend will get off? What's the character's dilemma?

    I don’t understand the conflict here … he’s just going to lie right? So his friend will get off? What’s the character’s dilemma?

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  3. Posted: September 5, 2014In: Public

    A pathological liar is subpoenaed to testify in a murder trial against his only friend.

    Nicholas Andrew Halls Samurai
    Added an answer on September 5, 2014 at 9:37 am

    I don't understand the conflict here ... he's just going to lie right? So his friend will get off? What's the character's dilemma?

    I don’t understand the conflict here … he’s just going to lie right? So his friend will get off? What’s the character’s dilemma?

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