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When a volcanic eruption grounds all flights, a desperate racing driver must evade highway patrolmen to transport his dying fianc? heart transplant.
Fuck yeah ... the elements are there for sure. The wording feels a little clunky; like "racing driver" sounds very juvenile, poorly researched. He's a racer, right? So could you describe him as a Formula 1 racer, or a street racer, or something like that, which gives us a little more about the charaRead more
Fuck yeah … the elements are there for sure.
The wording feels a little clunky; like “racing driver” sounds very juvenile, poorly researched. He’s a racer, right? So could you describe him as a Formula 1 racer, or a street racer, or something like that, which gives us a little more about the character but just cleans up the wording?
Could you give a face to the “highway patrolmen”? The guy in charge – the antagonist?
I also feel like something is missing, but can’t quite put my finger on it – maybe I need to understand how far he needs to travel, and how long he has to get the heart there?
Would definitely read this if someone put the script in front of me.
See lessAfter being rejected by his Italo-American mafioso father, a mixed race lawyer decides to exact revenge by building his own criminal empire and destroying his father's.
Can you get specific about what "being rejected by his father" looks like? "After his king-pin father kicks him out of home, a mixed-race lawyer seeks vengeance by giving up the pursuit of justice to build a rival criminal empire." Hmmm ... kicking out of home is not big enough. it must be somethingRead more
Can you get specific about what “being rejected by his father” looks like?
“After his king-pin father kicks him out of home, a mixed-race lawyer seeks vengeance by giving up the pursuit of justice to build a rival criminal empire.”
Hmmm … kicking out of home is not big enough. it must be something MASSIVE to make him want to devote his life to destroying his father, right? So say what it is in your logline.
Also … what happens if he fails?
See lessSent to evaluate the crew and staff of a new U.S. state-of-the-art nuclear submarine during its trial runs, the head of the U. S. DoD PsyOps Division discovers her vengeful ex husband has planted a computer virus to destroy her while on board. Will this deadly psychological war destroy everything?
How could a computer virus kill a person? What is the "psychological" war that you're talking about? Condense the beginning: "While inspecting a high-tech submarine, a (character flaw here) defence officer ..." continue from there. Words like DOD and PSYOPS are just too much; they confuse the readerRead more
How could a computer virus kill a person?
What is the “psychological” war that you’re talking about?
Condense the beginning:
“While inspecting a high-tech submarine, a (character flaw here) defence officer …” continue from there.
Words like DOD and PSYOPS are just too much; they confuse the reader instead of clarifying the story for them. The core is that an officer on board a nuclear sub tries to avoid being murdered, right? So get THAT PART working first, then jazz it up afterwards.
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