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  1. Posted: September 23, 2013In: Public

    A bratty hollywood teenager finds out how good she has it when an accident forces her wandering spirit to live in a war torn African country.

    Nicholas Andrew Halls Samurai
    Added an answer on September 26, 2013 at 5:02 pm

    ^ in terms of story structure, I agree with Richiev and dpg. Your protagonist is better served if they are ACTUALLY stranded there (although, be specific how this happens; her plane crashes while returning from the Miss Universe competition or something). BUT (and this is as big a but as I could putRead more

    ^ in terms of story structure, I agree with Richiev and dpg. Your protagonist is better served if they are ACTUALLY stranded there (although, be specific how this happens; her plane crashes while returning from the Miss Universe competition or something).

    BUT (and this is as big a but as I could put out there) … DO NOT write a story about a white American teenager falling from the sky and saving a tribe of Africans. The subtext of that is more culturally dubious than casting Tom Cruise as The Last Samurai.

    If your story is to be a more personal journey of enlightenment about the plight of the less fortunate, you need to also be clearer about her OBJECTIVE goal – not just to return home, but what specifically the character must do to make that a reality (for instance, in the plane scenario, maybe she has to learn how to fix the plane. Hey, it worked for Flight of the Phoenix, right?)

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  2. Posted: September 23, 2013In: Public

    Two ailing boys from two different worlds have what each needs to live. The price is just right for the exchange… except not everyone is keen on having them alive.

    Nicholas Andrew Halls Samurai
    Added an answer on September 26, 2013 at 4:55 pm

    This logline is too vague. Is one of the boys MORE sympathetic, or experiences GREATER change than the other? Then he's your protagonist. Write the logline from his perspective. I am assuming, from the title, that what they need is each others hearts? This doesn't make sense? You need to be clearerRead more

    This logline is too vague. Is one of the boys MORE sympathetic, or experiences GREATER change than the other? Then he’s your protagonist. Write the logline from his perspective.

    I am assuming, from the title, that what they need is each others hearts? This doesn’t make sense? You need to be clearer to entice interest.

    Who is putting a price out? Who is the antagonist? You’re not creating an air of mystery and intrigue, you’re making me work too hard for the BASICS of the story. I want to know WHO your film is about, WHAT it is about (the goal and stakes) and WHO is trying to stop them. It’s those elements that will tell me whether your film has a hook … and will tell any potential investor whether it’s worth making, and any potential audience whether it’s worth watching.

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  3. Posted: September 24, 2013In: Public

    A family nurses an injured Angel that crashes onto their summer cottage roof back to health, hiding their foreign guest’s wings from curious neighbors until what injured the Angel returns.

    Nicholas Andrew Halls Samurai
    Added an answer on September 26, 2013 at 4:49 pm

    From your description above, it feels like you're lacking a clear antagonist, a protagonist who drives your story (for everything else the film is about, ET is Elliot's story), and a clear objective goal. I think what you've got at the moment is more a vague premise than an actual story or logline.

    From your description above, it feels like you’re lacking a clear antagonist, a protagonist who drives your story (for everything else the film is about, ET is Elliot’s story), and a clear objective goal. I think what you’ve got at the moment is more a vague premise than an actual story or logline.

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