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When a cloning experiment by genetic scientist goes horribly wrong, the military sends their best man to clean up and avert an international crisis.
The goal is too vague; "clean up and avert an international crisis" - what form specifically would this take? Does he have to destroy the lab and hide the evidence? Kill the scientist? Does he have to get the scientist out of the country before someone else kills him? Find the clone? I can't see whaRead more
The goal is too vague; “clean up and avert an international crisis” – what form specifically would this take? Does he have to destroy the lab and hide the evidence? Kill the scientist? Does he have to get the scientist out of the country before someone else kills him? Find the clone? I can’t see what your story is about.
Why this character? What makes him a) the best man for this particular job and b) the best character for this particular story. Tells us his flaw, and perhaps we will be able to see how this journey will be one that he “needs” to take.
“Best man” is such a waste of your word count. What about ‘most ruthless assassin’? Or ‘brightest hacker’? ‘disillusioned patriot?’ Anything but “best man”.
How does the call to adventure and inciting incident relate to your character any more than it would any other character in the universe of your story? It’s just something that happens, it’s a job for your character … so the personal stakes are super low.
See lessA brilliant Russian Cadet shortly after his graduation day is being targeted by the CIA, his respond was a personal travel to NYC to change all well-known war tactics with the help of his genius weapons.
Hi Danny - there's no chance I'm going to read all of that. It's just too much. The point of the logline is to accurately convey the premise of your film, so that you don't need to send someone a huge wall of text. I asked the questions above because NONE of them are clearly explained in your loglinRead more
Hi Danny – there’s no chance I’m going to read all of that. It’s just too much. The point of the logline is to accurately convey the premise of your film, so that you don’t need to send someone a huge wall of text.
I asked the questions above because NONE of them are clearly explained in your logline. While not all of them may be necessary to include in the 30 odd words that convey the core idea of your film, at least a few of them need to be covered.
The most glaring issue is why he is going to NY – “to change war tactics” means nothing to the reader, because we don’t know how to visualise that. Does it mean he’s going to befriend a government official and slowly convince him of a different way of waging war? Or is he programming some powerful computer? Or is he waging guerilla warfare on the population of NY and therefore changing the way war is waged? You can see why we’re all having an issue understanding what your movie is about, and how we can help you refine the logline. The protagonist’s objective goal and the stakes of failure are unclear.
See lessAn inhibited accountant who detest musicals struggles to remain sane when he wakes up in a world where everybody sing and dance.
"struggling to remain sane" sounds like a tedious goal. How would I as an audience know whether he has succeeded or failed in achieving his goal? And the stakes implied therein are that if he fails he goes insane ... even though your film STARTS with him waking up in a world where the laws of musicaRead more
“struggling to remain sane” sounds like a tedious goal. How would I as an audience know whether he has succeeded or failed in achieving his goal? And the stakes implied therein are that if he fails he goes insane … even though your film STARTS with him waking up in a world where the laws of musical theatre and film are true … leading me to believe HE HAS ALREADY LOST HIS SANITY. Maybe the stakes need to be higher? (Liar Liar had a lawyer cursed to have to tell the truth trying to keep a promise to his son in order not to lose him, complicated by the fact that he was in the middle of a very important trial).
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