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Tom and Phyllis fall in love soon after she talks him into signing a contract with her network to shoot his death – of a terminal disease – on live TV.
^ I agree with Richiev, in so far as it's an interesting premise. But this logline doesn't work because you don't tell us what they are going to do now that they have signed the contract. Who is your protagonist - Tom or Phyllis, and what is their goal? I read your logline and get to the end and askRead more
^ I agree with Richiev, in so far as it’s an interesting premise.
But this logline doesn’t work because you don’t tell us what they are going to do now that they have signed the contract. Who is your protagonist – Tom or Phyllis, and what is their goal? I read your logline and get to the end and ask … and then? Where’s the drama? They fall in love after he signs to have his death broadcast on TV … there are no stakes there, no problem. They have made something legal, and it’s gonna be sad when he dies because they’re in love, but the TV producer KNEW THAT GOING IN.
I would suggest making the protagonist the TV producer, the GOAL of the film to get the cancer patient to sign the contract (thus making him, his family, and his community the antagonists), and the love story still plays out as a complication. If this is what you intended, I apologise, but it doesn’t read that way.
You still have the problem of STAKES – WHY would the TV producer need to film the cancer victim’s death on live TV (it’s pretty morbid … but I guess her job could depend on it?) But I do like the idea of a character who is so desensitised by the world at the beginning thinking that this is a really great idea, and as she falls in love with and gets to know the victim, he opinion on the whole thing changes. So I think it’s got legs.
See lessAn adventurous, curious intuitive Darug (Aboriginal) boy who wonders often, is suddenly taken into the future facing his humility about his existence, he inadvertently formed a bond with Timmy (Chinese Australian boy) and help him discover the love he needs from his inharmonious family.
There is a lot going on in this logline, and it's not totally clear. First things first; what is your protagonist's goal? It appears that the event or catalyst that sets your story into motion is the protagonist being transported into the future (how far into the future? What sort of future is it heRead more
There is a lot going on in this logline, and it’s not totally clear.
First things first; what is your protagonist’s goal? It appears that the event or catalyst that sets your story into motion is the protagonist being transported into the future (how far into the future? What sort of future is it he finds himself in?) But beyond that, we don’t know a whole heap about what your protagonist is going to do. Does he need to get home? Stop an evil dictator? Fine a cure for his dying grandmother’s cancer?
We understand that he befriends a chinese-australian … but is this really integral to the logline? What does this boy help or hinder him from doing? Is this boy from the future society or the present?
“Inadvertently” suggests your character may be passive, which is an issue at this stage of the logline (your protagonist can have stuff happen to him at the beginning, but after that catalyst, he really needs to be pro-active).
The inner goal will be figuring out how to bring harmony to his family? In what visual way do you achieve this? What does he actually experience that is able to give him this information?
You describe your protagonist as adventurous, curious, intuitive, an aboriginal and a boy. You simply don’t have enough words in a logline to give us this much information about the character. Focus on what his FLAW will be, and the most defining characteristic of his personality.
See lessWhen the son of an overly protective mother is told he has terminal cancer he decides to run away from home to experience life rather than spend his final days dying under the watch of his smothering mom.
^ I agree 100%. "To live" is such a vague, subjective term. There has to be a clear, concrete, visual goal that you can say "my protagonist is trying to do THIS ONE SPECIFIC THING, which will signify to the audience that he has lived his life."
^ I agree 100%. “To live” is such a vague, subjective term. There has to be a clear, concrete, visual goal that you can say “my protagonist is trying to do THIS ONE SPECIFIC THING, which will signify to the audience that he has lived his life.”
See less