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When a man travels half a state away to break his brother out of prison, his wife starts to question their relationship.
Right, well, I'd suggest making some of those changes to your story/logline: a) A stronger causal relationship between breaking the brother out of prison and the wife being upset about it; ie. that she is an elected official or something, or even was once involved in criminal activity and is tryingRead more
Right, well, I’d suggest making some of those changes to your story/logline:
a) A stronger causal relationship between breaking the brother out of prison and the wife being upset about it; ie. that she is an elected official or something, or even was once involved in criminal activity and is trying to go straight. Without that there is no real hook for me in your story. If her motivation to let their relationship die is just that she’s upset with the actions of her husband, the stakes are SUPER low, and I don’t care about that character. “I don’t want this to happen because I don’t like it!” would be a terribly annoying motivation to give one of your three major characters.
b) be clearer about who your protagonist is in the logline. Is your story about the prison break or the wife who is left alone?
c) Clarify why the free brother has just decided, a couple weeks in, to up and bust his imprisoned brother out of prison. There always needs to be a WHY NOW in your story, and in your logline.
At the moment there is nothing particularly compelling about your logline above that would make me want to either invest in your film, or watch it.
See lessWhen a man travels half a state away to break his brother out of prison, his wife starts to question their relationship.
Is there some important family function that the "man" (surely there's a better flaw and description you could use to illustrate this character?) misses as a result of skipping town? Does he miss an anniversary? I am still struggling to understand the causal relationship between him breaking his broRead more
Is there some important family function that the “man” (surely there’s a better flaw and description you could use to illustrate this character?) misses as a result of skipping town? Does he miss an anniversary? I am still struggling to understand the causal relationship between him breaking his brother out of prison, and his wife questioning their relationship? (Unless she’s a cop or some sort of official, where she has to take an obvious hard line stance against this sort of behaviour).
You have a problem in that the POV shifts from your man leaving to break his brother out of prison, and his wife (presumably left at home) then questioning their relationship. As a reader or viewer, I would much prefer to stay with the man travelling to a prison break.
Has the brother been in prison long? If so … why is he being busted out NOW? What is the catalyst for this action? If he has JUST been imprisoned, this information needs to be included in the logline, because it’s the “event” that kick starts your story.
See lessA hypochondriac young man delights in getting an internship with America's favorite talk-show neuro-scientist/psychiatrist — until the good doctor goes berserk and the young man becomes his only link back to sanity…
Drop "young man" - it's superfluous. "When a (character flaw?) hypochondriac is offered an internship with America's favourite talk-show psychiatrist, he (what action does he take - and what is his goal?)" The stakes; his mentor's sanity, is relatively clear from your logline above, but the importanRead more
Drop “young man” – it’s superfluous.
“When a (character flaw?) hypochondriac is offered an internship with America’s favourite talk-show psychiatrist, he (what action does he take – and what is his goal?)”
The stakes; his mentor’s sanity, is relatively clear from your logline above, but the important details of goal and action are missing.
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