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A coma patient has an out of body experience, and her spirit must reach her ancestral plot to enter Heaven, before the “Slow-Walker” takes her to Hell.
1. It's "out-of-body experience, not "outer body experience." 2. How's this? "During an out-of-body experience, a guilt-ridden businesswoman fights to reach her ancestral plot and enter heaven against a demon sent to imprison her in hell." I avoided the phrase "drag her to hell" because of the movieRead more
1. It’s “out-of-body experience, not “outer body experience.”
2. How’s this?
“During an out-of-body experience, a guilt-ridden businesswoman fights to reach her ancestral plot and enter heaven against a demon sent to imprison her in hell.”
I avoided the phrase “drag her to hell” because of the movie titled Drag Me To Hell.
See lessAfter a Great War the world divides and is ruled by different beliefs, in order to maintain peace. An Empress finds the cure to fatal diseases and refuses to share it, unless they join the sustainable lifestyle she leads.
Is the Empress your protagonist, or antagonist? if she is your protagonist, I don't understand what her goal is - besides withholding vital medical knowledge from people who need it. If that is the case, then you've got a serious problem with audience empathy with your character, I would imagine.
Is the Empress your protagonist, or antagonist? if she is your protagonist, I don’t understand what her goal is – besides withholding vital medical knowledge from people who need it. If that is the case, then you’ve got a serious problem with audience empathy with your character, I would imagine.
See lessAfter waking from a coma, a young girl with Amnesia searches for clues to her past while battling demonic creatures who stand in the way of her discovering her destiny.
"An amnesiac child wakes from a coma ..." condenses your intro - provided you indicate her gender in the following section of the logline. The goal is too vague; whilst we understand that she wants to find out about her past, and that demons stand in the way, "searching for clues to her past" doesn'Read more
“An amnesiac child wakes from a coma …” condenses your intro – provided you indicate her gender in the following section of the logline.
The goal is too vague; whilst we understand that she wants to find out about her past, and that demons stand in the way, “searching for clues to her past” doesn’t give us a visual, cinematic goal that makes sense to the reader. We need to know that she’s trying to break out of the asylum she has woken into, or is trying to find the retired ex-head of the orphanage she was raised in, or break into the hall of records at city hall. Something that we can really see and understand, that represents “searching for clues to her past / discovering her destiny.”
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