Have an account? Sign In Now
Lost your password? Please enter your email address. You will receive a link and will create a new password via email.
Please briefly explain why you feel this question should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this answer should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this user should be reported.
Along with their pet turtle, a brother and sister duo encounter some of America?s most exciting historical figures while on a journey to collect jelly beans they accidentally spilled into a time portal.
I've tried to write feedback a few times, and I've come to the conclusion that you've actually included most of the elements you need for a good logline, but it's just bloated and a little confusing. I think you need to just keep trimming, clarifying, simplifying, and the premise has legs. The onlyRead more
I’ve tried to write feedback a few times, and I’ve come to the conclusion that you’ve actually included most of the elements you need for a good logline, but it’s just bloated and a little confusing. I think you need to just keep trimming, clarifying, simplifying, and the premise has legs.
The only other thing I’d suggest, which could be the key to it all fitting together nicely, is that the stakes are unclear. WHY are these characters trying to collect the beans? What happens if they fail?
See lessA weekend in the woods turns deadly, when a recovering drug addict and his girlfriend discover that their cabin is a storage site for his former dealer.
I agree with wilsondownunder. Remove the needlessly vague "a weekend in the woods turns bloody (this is marketing stuff, and isn't needed in your logline)" section, and what you've got is a setup, but no goal, antagonist or stakes. "When a recovering addict and his girlfriend discover their wilderneRead more
I agree with wilsondownunder. Remove the needlessly vague “a weekend in the woods turns bloody (this is marketing stuff, and isn’t needed in your logline)” section, and what you’ve got is a setup, but no goal, antagonist or stakes.
“When a recovering addict and his girlfriend discover their wilderness getaway cabin contains his dealer’s drug stash …”
Now tell us what happens.
See lessWhen a governmental Space Station gets taken by a terrorist organisation, its headstrong Chief Architect must escape upon learning that the terrorists have also kidnapped her disabled husband back on earth.
I agree with Richiev insofar as it sounds like the most compelling version of this story is for the architect to remain and defeat the terrorists, as opposed to fleeing to find her husband. If you want the stakes to be her husband's life, it feels like you should find a away to get him on the statioRead more
I agree with Richiev insofar as it sounds like the most compelling version of this story is for the architect to remain and defeat the terrorists, as opposed to fleeing to find her husband. If you want the stakes to be her husband’s life, it feels like you should find a away to get him on the station as well. (Die Hard in space, I guess, with a gender reversal thrown in).
Your logline contains two inciting incidents; terrorists take over a space station, and terrorists kidnap the protagonist’s husband. As a result, the logline feels bloated, and the goal is muddied. Whatever the MAJOR goal ends up being will determine what the “setup” needs to be.
Also, you’ve included many words that are just unnecessary, and slow the logline down. You could trim it to:
See less“When terrorists take over a space station, a headstrong architect must escape and return to earth to rescue her kidnapped, disabled husband.”
When you trim it down to that, it certainly highlights the concern that Richiev has mentioned.