1. Posted: May 5, 2015In:

    After being augmented against her will, a street-girl from a futuristic city must avoid capture by both former allies as well as the wealthy caste — sparking a civil war in which only the strongest survive.

    Outlawdl

    Thanks, that was very helpful. "After being cybernetically augmented against her will, a street-girl from a futuristic city endeavors to destroy the company that captured her, all the while avoiding capture by both them and former allies, which leads to a civil war."

    Thanks, that was very helpful.

    “After being cybernetically augmented against her will, a street-girl from a futuristic city endeavors to destroy the company that captured her, all the while avoiding capture by both them and former allies, which leads to a civil war.”

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  2. Posted: May 5, 2015In:

    After being augmented against her will, a street-girl from a futuristic city must avoid capture by both former allies as well as the wealthy caste — sparking a civil war in which only the strongest survive.

    Outlawdl

    "After being cybernetically augmented against her will, a street-girl from a futuristic city must secure her survival and avoid capture by both former allies as well as the wealthy caste ? sparking a civil war in which only the strongest survive." I think I just added another negative goal... She'sRead more

    “After being cybernetically augmented against her will, a street-girl from a futuristic city must secure her survival and avoid capture by both former allies as well as the wealthy caste ? sparking a civil war in which only the strongest survive.”

    I think I just added another negative goal… She’s basically trying to stop her body from rejecting her augmentations, which are slowly killing her.

    I’m not sure there is a positive goal.

    Thanks for the feedback.

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  3. Posted: May 5, 2015In:

    When an armoured aircraft containing millions crash lands in a post apocalyptic desert,A young and innocent hunter must travel down a dangerous road and battle against an assortment of motley, money hungry mercenaries in order to to be the first to the crash site to rescue her brother, before it becomes a deadly war zone.

    Outlawdl

    I think maybe the structure could be improved, as the logline feels a bit too wordy. "...in order to to be the first to the crash site to rescue her brother..." sounds a bit complicated. Maybe try write it more simply? "...must travel down a dangerous road and battle..." the "and" could maybe be remRead more

    I think maybe the structure could be improved, as the logline feels a bit too wordy.

    “…in order to to be the first to the crash site to rescue her brother…” sounds a bit complicated. Maybe try write it more simply?

    “…must travel down a dangerous road and battle…” the “and” could maybe be removed. How about “…must travel down a dangerous road battling an assortment of…”
    Also, is it literally a “road”? If not, why not simplify the whole logline by removing the above mentioned part completely.

    Here’s my suggestion:
    “When an armoured aircraft containing millions of dollars crash lands in a post-apocalyptic desert, an innocent hunter must race against time as well as greedy mercenaries in order to rescue her brother.”

    Hope it helps!

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