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When a washed up plumber gets abducted by an automated alien spaceship, he must use his particular set of skills to save himself and the planet. (FOR MEETUP)
Thanks Nir, Great comments. It is more like a tongue in cheek thriller than straight out comedy. I originally described him as a downtrodden plumber, but found it amusing to refer to him as "washed up". Maybe it's setting the wrong tone. His primary goal is to save himself, but in doing so he wouldRead more
Thanks Nir,
Great comments. It is more like a tongue in cheek thriller than straight out comedy. I originally described him as a downtrodden plumber, but found it amusing to refer to him as “washed up”. Maybe it’s setting the wrong tone.
His primary goal is to save himself, but in doing so he would also save the planet. It felt a little light with just himself. I might have to work on a way to make it sound more dangerous. Which also relates to your last comment. There is no Alien or sentient being. It is simply a craft of advanced technology. I don’t want to imply there’s something there that’s not, but I also want to up the danger and the stakes.
I also included a wink at a certain popular thriller franchise, again tongue in cheek, but also to give it that thriller taste. But I don’t think it’s working.
See lessWhen a washed up plumber gets abducted by an automated alien spaceship, he must use his particular set of skills to save himself and the planet. (FOR MEETUP)
Thanks Nir, Great comments. It is more like a tongue in cheek thriller than straight out comedy. I originally described him as a downtrodden plumber, but found it amusing to refer to him as "washed up". Maybe it's setting the wrong tone. His primary goal is to save himself, but in doing so he wouldRead more
Thanks Nir,
Great comments. It is more like a tongue in cheek thriller than straight out comedy. I originally described him as a downtrodden plumber, but found it amusing to refer to him as “washed up”. Maybe it’s setting the wrong tone.
His primary goal is to save himself, but in doing so he would also save the planet. It felt a little light with just himself. I might have to work on a way to make it sound more dangerous. Which also relates to your last comment. There is no Alien or sentient being. It is simply a craft of advanced technology. I don’t want to imply there’s something there that’s not, but I also want to up the danger and the stakes.
I also included a wink at a certain popular thriller franchise, again tongue in cheek, but also to give it that thriller taste. But I don’t think it’s working.
See lessIn life Cailean struggled with addiction and hurt the people closest to her, now she comes face to face with Death Incarnate and he shows her the error of her ways and then offers her a second chance at life, but at a terrible price.
I agree with Craig. Too long and wordy. The entire first line could be replace with "An addict comes face to face with..." The rest is unimportant detail. Meanwhile the "terrible price." is the most important detail there and you don't include it? If it's some sort of late story twist then it shouldRead more
I agree with Craig. Too long and wordy. The entire first line could be replace with “An addict comes face to face with…” The rest is unimportant detail. Meanwhile the “terrible price.” is the most important detail there and you don’t include it?
If it’s some sort of late story twist then it should be part of your logline, you should be able to sell the story without it. If it’s not, then why not tell us? I think that’s your hook right there and not knowing it only makes us frustrated, not curious.
See less