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In life Cailean struggled with addiction and hurt the people closest to her, now she comes face to face with Death Incarnate and he shows her the error of her ways and then offers her a second chance at life, but at a terrible price.
I agree with Craig. Too long and wordy. The entire first line could be replace with "An addict comes face to face with..." The rest is unimportant detail. Meanwhile the "terrible price." is the most important detail there and you don't include it? If it's some sort of late story twist then it shouldRead more
I agree with Craig. Too long and wordy. The entire first line could be replace with “An addict comes face to face with…” The rest is unimportant detail. Meanwhile the “terrible price.” is the most important detail there and you don’t include it?
If it’s some sort of late story twist then it should be part of your logline, you should be able to sell the story without it. If it’s not, then why not tell us? I think that’s your hook right there and not knowing it only makes us frustrated, not curious.
See lessA laid-back man-child?s quest to get rich quick is disrupted when he becomes the legal guardian of a pugnacious twelve year old girl.
You pretty much nailed it RUS. Maybe 'quest' is the wrong word. Rather his quest is to get by with as little effort as possible. Not working a full-time job, etc. The get rich quick schemes are really just ways to make money without effort, aiming to never work hard in his life. Like you said, theyRead more
You pretty much nailed it RUS.
Maybe ‘quest’ is the wrong word. Rather his quest is to get by with as little effort as possible. Not working a full-time job, etc. The get rich quick schemes are really just ways to make money without effort, aiming to never work hard in his life.
Like you said, they 12 year old girl begins as the antagonistic force because she forces him to be more responsible (the irony being she’s more grown up than him), until eventually he realizes he wants her around and Social Services become the antagonist because they want to take her away. Fighting to get her back he works harder than he has before (and spends his money) – so rather than her helping him to get rich quick she helps him learn that there’s more important things in life than being rich and working a fulfilling job can be just as rewarding.
Maybe I should reword it to “A man-child’s attempt to get through life with minimal work is disrupted…”
But then again, ‘quest’ does imply a more active character which is always good. And he does kind of work hard at some of these schemes. Again he’s blind to see that he could just put this same effort into a job and be paid like everyone else. Kind of like George from Seinfeld.
Anyway, thanks to all for their suggestions.
See less'While the rest of the world begins to lose their memories. A sole teenager starts to learn things about the world that they had never dreamed of.'
That's an idea, but not really a logline. It's the setup, but what's the story? Why is everyone losing their memories? Tell us about this teenager, what makes them interesting? Is his quest to discover why this is happening? You don't have to give us every detail, just a little more than you have.
That’s an idea, but not really a logline. It’s the setup, but what’s the story?
Why is everyone losing their memories?
Tell us about this teenager, what makes them interesting?
Is his quest to discover why this is happening?
You don’t have to give us every detail, just a little more than you have.
See less