1. Posted: September 10, 2013In:

    To get the girl of his dreams a timid momma?s boy must team up with the local cat burglar, but her unorthodox methods put more than his love life at risk.

    Paul Clarke Samurai

    Thanks guys, all good stuff. Yes, it is a variant on an older logline. I am writing the script, and sometimes stop to figure the logline out. You are on the money with the lack of causal link. I tried to cut back on elements that I deemed unnecessary, but I seemed to have lost something. The basic sRead more

    Thanks guys, all good stuff. Yes, it is a variant on an older logline. I am writing the script, and sometimes stop to figure the logline out.

    You are on the money with the lack of causal link. I tried to cut back on elements that I deemed unnecessary, but I seemed to have lost something.

    The basic story is – Momma’s boy discovers the identity of the cat burglar after she robs his house (they’re both law students which adds irony, but probably too much for the logline) in return for his silence she offers to set him up with the girl of his dreams. She knows who this is because he has peeping tom photos on the camera she stole. Which she also uses to blackmail him into agreeing. Not sure how to work that in without making it too bulky.

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  2. Posted: September 6, 2013

    When a brilliant but unruly CIA agent is unexpectedly assigned to find a missing Chinese dissident, he soon realises all is not what it seems. Not knowing who to trust, his loyalties to friends, family and country are tested to the limit.

    Paul Clarke Samurai

    The good news is it sounds like a movie. The bad news is it sounds like many movies. It's just too generic. Give us some details. We don't know much about the CIA agent, the dissident, or what actually happens to make him realize everything is now what it seems. As a general rule you should never haRead more

    The good news is it sounds like a movie.

    The bad news is it sounds like many movies. It’s just too generic. Give us some details. We don’t know much about the CIA agent, the dissident, or what actually happens to make him realize everything is now what it seems.

    As a general rule you should never have realize in a logline. It’s an internal process. You need to tell us what happens. What event causes him to come to this realization.

    Why is he unexpectedly assigned? Isn’t that his job? Isn’t this what he normally does if he’s a CIA agent?

    It’s like Jason Bourne but without the cool hook.

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  3. Posted: September 10, 2013In:

    Two hapless petty thieves get involved with a gang of armed robbers but end up chained and locked in the back of a guarded van. All they know is that they must try and escape before the gang returns, or they may never see daylight again.

    Paul Clarke Samurai

    I like the movie this logline represents. A kind of Buried but with two guys in a van. I just think you could summarise it in a more concise manner. And probably as one sentence. Something like: Locked in a van by armed robbers, two hapless petty thieves struggle to escape before their captors returRead more

    I like the movie this logline represents. A kind of Buried but with two guys in a van.

    I just think you could summarise it in a more concise manner. And probably as one sentence. Something like:

    Locked in a van by armed robbers, two hapless petty thieves struggle to escape before their captors return to kill them.

    That says the same thing in less than half the words. And it kind of shows that something else is missing. Why did they leave them there? What was the heist? You have room to add just that little detail to add intrigue. Maybe begin with “After a heist goes wrong…”

    Like almiiitey says, why did the gang leave them there in the first place if they plan on killing them?

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