Have an account? Sign In Now
Lost your password? Please enter your email address. You will receive a link and will create a new password via email.
Please briefly explain why you feel this question should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this answer should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this user should be reported.
In search of the ‘ultimate high’, a gang of high school misfits skip school set on finding an abandoned cannabis crop all while trying to evade a pair of obsessive truant officers.
Very good start.The plot can be a little sharper. If this is "Pineapple Express with teens," then definitely go with the growers or other bigger antags. But if it's "Superbad with pot," meaning it's? about the quest to the location (which they reach in Act III), then the truant officers... seem okayRead more
Very good start.
The plot can be a little sharper. If this is “Pineapple Express with teens,” then definitely go with the growers or other bigger antags. But if it’s “Superbad with pot,” meaning it’s? about the quest to the location (which they reach in Act III), then the truant officers… seem okay. Try to add another sense of the trouble along the way, if it’s a quest. Same with an issue for the protag or co-leads, as in the two movies mentioned and as Mike mentions.
Add a sense of location.
>> In search of the ultimate high
This can be cut and replaced with a description of the crop being a new strain or such. Or they don’t care about the quality, it’s about a huge amount of free weed.
See lessTwo jaded mercenaries journey to a deadly planet to retrieve a priceless mineral only to learn a massive electromagnetic pulse will soon disable their only means of escape.
Is it really the same story with the backdrop of the economic collapse? Are the mercenaries human? If we don't root for them to succeed, then is it a comeuppance or cautionary tale, so to speak? An example with some missing components and more of a mental picture: After stealing a priceless mineralRead more
Is it really the same story with the backdrop of the economic collapse? Are the mercenaries human?
If we don’t root for them to succeed, then is it a comeuppance or cautionary tale, so to speak?
An example with some missing components and more of a mental picture: After stealing a priceless mineral on an alien planet, two (protags)? must battle a psychotic gang and reach their ship before? a storm grounds them permanently.?
Details will shift the story and tone, if we root for them or not, if it’s about greed or desperation, the specific antag, etc.? “Jaded mercenaries” doesn’t sound quite right for this scenario.
A longer logline may be needed to cover the essentials. For example: In the aftermath of a global economic collapse, two desperate former soldiers stumble upon a portal that transports them to an alien planet. After stealing a priceless mineral…before a storm destroys the portal.
See lessIn the aftermath of global economic collapse, two estranged brothers travel to a deadly alien world in a desperate attempt to steal a device that will provide them with wealth and temptation beyond measure.
Some interesting parts. Next attempt...While the stakes will be clearer with other adjustments, why should we care if the brothers die? What's special about them? Are they only out for themselves?Clarify why estranged brothers have to work together. Add an age-range and perhaps something else aboutRead more
Some interesting parts. Next attempt…
While the stakes will be clearer with other adjustments, why should we care if the brothers die? What’s special about them? Are they only out for themselves?
Clarify why estranged brothers have to work together. Add an age-range and perhaps something else about them to paint the picture.
Clarify their goal. Do they want to become masters of the new world order?
If this is the future, say so. If it’s today, offer the general explanation for the alien world and space travel.
What is the device? Specifics are needed to avoid questions of confusion and to create a mental picture. How do they know about it? That sounds like another Inciting Incident. While the backdrop of the collapse is clear, clarify the Incident that sends the brothers on their journey.
It sounds more like greed or being misguided than desperation.
What’s the temptation?
Clarify what is the bulk of the story. Is it time on the alien planet trying to steal the device? Who or what is the antag? Or is most of the story hidden in the word “temptation,” what happens when they return with wealth?
My two cents.
See less