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A teacher just fired from her job gets trapped in a time loop where she relives the worst moments from her life until she figures out how to escape.
My two cents for the next attempt... >> A teacher just fired from her job Describe her in a more meaningful way or in a way that better connects to this story, like why she was fired. Since the predicament is a punishment (cosmic or otherwise), state the serious flaw, mistake or issue that warRead more
My two cents for the next attempt…
>> A teacher just fired from her job
Describe her in a more meaningful way or in a way that better connects to this story, like why she was fired. Since the predicament is a punishment (cosmic or otherwise), state the serious flaw, mistake or issue that warrants it.? Or at least hint to it.Though careful not to cross the line that would make us dislike her since we want her to succeed, right?
Are there stakes beyond her own life, like family?
>> gets trapped in a time loop where she relives the worst moments from her life
While it’s good that this make-believe sounds a little different than Groundhog Day and its offspring like Happy Death Day, it’s not as clear. A day repeating itself is visual and comprehensible. Here, it’s hard to picture and accept her zooming from one location and time to another (and the same result can be had in a simpler way). It also doesn’t seem like she has a chance to interact in this loop or change anything. With GH, we can picture an arrogant, big-city weatherman dealing with a small town of yokels. Here, more of the mental image is needed. In short, clarify how this make-believe is different, understandable, and relatable.
See lessAfter losing his daughter to a horrific incident a troubled rock star forms an unlikely bond with a neglected child , changing both of their lives forever.
Look to highlight conflict in the relationship, in case the other adjustments don?t do it. His grief may make him unwilling to help anyone at this time, it may be the particular trouble,? something on the kid's side, etc.
Look to highlight conflict in the relationship, in case the other adjustments don?t do it. His grief may make him unwilling to help anyone at this time, it may be the particular trouble,? something on the kid’s side, etc.
See lessAfter losing his daughter to a horrific incident a troubled rock star forms an unlikely bond with a neglected child , changing both of their lives forever.
My two cents for the next attempt...>> a horrific incidentIs this necessary for the logline? Losing her seems bad enough.>> a troubledWas he troubled before the loss of his daughter? He already has the issue of grief so is a notable flaw also needed in the logline? Or if he's troubled beRead more
My two cents for the next attempt…
>> a horrific incident
Is this necessary for the logline? Losing her seems bad enough.
>> a troubled
Was he troubled before the loss of his daughter? He already has the issue of grief so is a notable flaw also needed in the logline? Or if he’s troubled because of the loss, then cut it as it’s assumed. If it remains, be specific. Alcoholic? Bankrupt? Fading?
Does the rock star really meet the kid soon after the loss of his daughter? If no, if it’s recent backstory, clarify it; for example, “Still grieving after the loss…” If it’s further back, there’s likely no need to say anything other than his trouble and we assume he doesn’t have kids by bonding with her.
>> forms an unlikely bond
Replace with how or where they spend time together and this will help paint the mental picture. We understand they’re an unlikely pair so no need to say it.
>> with a neglected child,
Vague. Amongst many things, this could mean she lives nearby in his gated community and her parents neglect her or she’s from a poor area with a single mother who neglects her. Mention the age as the story with a 5 year-old is different than one with an 11 year-old.
>> changing both of their lives forever.
Cut, assumed.
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