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The true story of a family man whose congressional testimony?delivered while hooked up to a dialysis machine?leads to landmark legislation making dialysis treatments universally available. Working title: God Committee
It's rare to see such an improvement and so quickly!This is a case where it may help to have two loglines. This one for marketing and another for craft.Don't know if it's being Canadian, but it's hard to appreciate the Congress part. Don't know if it's the years since this moment or if it's not knowRead more
It’s rare to see such an improvement and so quickly!
This is a case where it may help to have two loglines. This one for marketing and another for craft.
Don’t know if it’s being Canadian, but it’s hard to appreciate the Congress part. Don’t know if it’s the years since this moment or if it’s not knowing anyone who underwent dialysis, but it’s hard to appreciate the victory. Or maybe it’s because legislation (or some other solution) was inevitable and there’s more to be mined from the committee, which is terribly dramatic. Curious if that’s only in the setup or if it plays a larger role.
Couple of tweaks to consider…
– congressional testimony in 1972
– leads to landmark coverage for dialysis treatments that saved x lives.
See less(REVISED) When the royal lookalike he’s babysitting turns out to be the real Queen Elizabeth, a low-level ceremonial guard must assume the highest responsibility in the land when European Terrorists take over Buckingham Palace.
Cute.? The lookalike part sounds like a detail for the script. For the logline, the hook is this lowly guy having to protect the queen. Or clarify how the lookalike part matters beyond the setup.
Cute.? The lookalike part sounds like a detail for the script. For the logline, the hook is this lowly guy having to protect the queen. Or clarify how the lookalike part matters beyond the setup.
See lessWhen a pioneering kidney patient is confronted by a God-Committee reject, he takes on Washington to make life-saving dialysis treatments universally available.
>> The hero of this story underwent kidney dialysis on on the floor of Congress This is Act III, right? Say a little more and adjust things to create the feeling of "an amazing story." With the clarifications in the comments, it so far sounds intriguing, but not amazing. Is there something speRead more
>> The hero of this story underwent kidney dialysis on on the floor of Congress
This is Act III, right?
Say a little more and adjust things to create the feeling of “an amazing story.” With the clarifications in the comments, it so far sounds intriguing, but not amazing. Is there something special about what he did to get the appointment in Congress? Or was it more about him doing all this while slowly dying?
It doesn’t make a difference for craft, but for marketing mention that it’s a true story. Perhaps start the next logline with “The true story of…” (Though it doesn’t pay to use his name in the logline since he’s not well known.)
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