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3RD DRAFT…..The idyllic life of an adolescent surfer drastically changes when his family moves to pre-revolution Tehran, an American melting pot submerged in an alien culture where certain realities are but an illusion.
>> The real meat of the story revolves around the effects of fast paced westernization on a society that was ill prepared to absorb.Okay. But what's the conflict for the protag?? The latest logline still paints a small mental picture. The real meat mentioned is not sensed in the latest loglineRead more
>> The real meat of the story revolves around the effects of fast paced westernization on a society that was ill prepared to absorb.
Okay. But what’s the conflict for the protag?? The latest logline still paints a small mental picture. The real meat mentioned is not sensed in the latest logline and it sounds like an Iranian would be a more dramatic protag.
>> pre-revolution Tehran
This threw me off and made me think there’s an anti-American component. Instead, state the year or clarify with other words.
Instead of telling us things like “drastically changes” and “realities…illusion,”? make us feel and picture them.
See lessA semi-retired military contractor accepts a special recon job involving defected Allied and Enemy soldiers in the Middle-East, there, the PMCs uncover a ritualistic cult heralding the emergence of their colossal-sized Nephilim.
The potential is there.Another way to look at it is to consider when the Nephillim are revealed. The way the logline is now, it sounds like Act II is about preventing Act III, the emergence of the Nephillim. If so, that can be broken down into? the specific action with the cult. Or if at least one gRead more
The potential is there.
Another way to look at it is to consider when the Nephillim are revealed. The way the logline is now, it sounds like Act II is about preventing Act III, the emergence of the Nephillim. If so, that can be broken down into? the specific action with the cult. Or if at least one giant emerges to start Act II, then the logline needs to be adjusted for accuracy.
I assume there’s a corrupt angel involved and women being impregnated. (Makes me think the angel heads the cult or was somehow captured and the cult developed around it.) If so and they have a large role in the story, then include them in the logline as they would be some of the needed specifics. If no, then the logline should not leave open the natural assumption.
See less3RD DRAFT…..The idyllic life of an adolescent surfer drastically changes when his family moves to pre-revolution Tehran, an American melting pot submerged in an alien culture where certain realities are but an illusion.
I looked at the first version and it actually paints more of the picture. Here's an example of a clearer logline (not trying to make it great) that adds something that might already be in the story.In pre-revolution Tehran, a SoCal adolescent lives the easy life in an ex-pat community and befriendsRead more
I looked at the first version and it actually paints more of the picture. Here’s an example of a clearer logline (not trying to make it great) that adds something that might already be in the story.
In pre-revolution Tehran, a SoCal adolescent lives the easy life in an ex-pat community and befriends a (description) Iranian developing anti-American feelings.
If there is no such friend or girlfriend, then add the thing that dramatizes and personalizes the conflict.
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