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A child psychologist wants to help Cole, a young boy who reminds him of a boy he once failed, looking into Cole's life Cole looks into his. Cole's secret, "I see dead people."
Whether or not we interpret the film differently, or if I'm factually incorrect about the film doesn't make your logline any more or less correct or effective. I was being "polite" when I said it was only "a bit off". Most of the loglines I judge, comment on, and paid to assist with, or for conceptsRead more
Whether or not we interpret the film differently, or if I’m factually incorrect about the film doesn’t make your logline any more or less correct or effective. I was being “polite” when I said it was only “a bit off”. Most of the loglines I judge, comment on, and paid to assist with, or for concepts that have not yet been made, so it really doesn’t matter to the logline how you interpret the film. The fact still remains that in your logline version, you incorrectly mentioned a character’s name- not once, but four times, and you spent 12 words of a logline that shouldn’t exceed thirty words on a extremely minor point of the film. You can argue the point all you want, but it still doesn’t change the outcome.
I’m sorry that you take great offense in my constructive criticism, and I’ll be sure not to waste your time with it in the future. Best of luck to you!
Geno Scala, sharkeatingman- (yes, one of the logline judges for “Logline It!”)
See lessA lifeguard struggles to cope with his wife?s suicide, his ethics are tested when he discovers her rapist drowning at the local beach
Once again, jimnewman's logline hits the nail on the head. My issue is with the overall concept. Is this enough of a conflict to base a screenplay around, even a short screenplay? From that logline, your emphasis of your entire story is a man testing his ethics. That has about as much drama as a fatRead more
Once again, jimnewman’s logline hits the nail on the head. My issue is with the overall concept. Is this enough of a conflict to base a screenplay around, even a short screenplay? From that logline, your emphasis of your entire story is a man testing his ethics. That has about as much drama as a fat guy deciding on a third donut (and I should know about THAT conflict). I mean, it’s an interesting situation, but it must be delved into much deeper and make it more meaningful, and you can accomplish that in several ways:
By increasing the conflict: if he’s a born-again Christian, or a former priest who left his calling to get married. Now the conflict is much deeper. Most people don’t look upon life guards as having unwavering principals, I wouldn’t think.
You increase the tension: he’s on TV being recorded for a news show, and he sees this guy drowning. Does he take the plunge (literally) or risk losing everything by letting the guy go belly up?
You increase the stakes: He is up for lifeguard of the year, which would give him a prime location, more money, and far more responsibility and perks, so if this guy drown’s on his watch, he’s going to lose all of that.
What if the rapist was his brother? Now he’s torn between letting the rapist drown or saving his flesh and blood that he grew up with?
These are not suggestions, just examples how you can increase the tension and stakes of a logline. Overall, the concept as it stands just doesn’t sound like it will be enough to get anyone interested enough to read the entire script.
This is just another reason why loglines are so important. I cannot tell you how many “great ideas” for a script I’ve had that, when prepared into some sort of logline, just didn’t generate enough interest to want to devote a years time in writing it. The logline shows the strength of a concept through the hooks, but it also magnifies the weaknesses of the same concept.
Food for thought…
Geno Scala (sharkeatingman)- judge.
See lessTrue story of a brilliant professional gambler and the owner of an elegant sporting parlor defending his life against a evil U.S.Marshal, who in a jealous rage is seeking out a personal vendetta in the American south during the late 1880's.
Jimnewman75 is spot-on with his analysis. I also agree that his logline is going toward the right direction, but it is missing something imperative, which was only hinted at in the original logline: the hook. Use his logline as your new start point, as your second attempt wasn't effective either. YoRead more
Jimnewman75 is spot-on with his analysis. I also agree that his logline is going toward the right direction, but it is missing something imperative, which was only hinted at in the original logline: the hook.
Use his logline as your new start point, as your second attempt wasn’t effective either. You really should not use valuable logline real estate to mention character names unless they are pertinent to the story as a whole.
That being said, it is also more effective for loglines to start out with “When…”, or “After…”, or “As…”.
So, your new logline might look like:
“After a Wild West gambler and a conniving sports parlor owner (expose fixed poker games), they discover that the corruption includes the Marshall and (quite possibly the gambler’s father- the judge)!”
I included some elements (possible hooks) that should separate your story from others of the some genre, and even the same topic. For instance, this story is separated from “Maverick” by including the father’s possible involvement. More importantly, however, it adds another “hook” and ratchets the conflict another notch. In other words, with that logline, that is a story I’d want to read, and a movie I’d want to watch.
Hope this helps some…
Geno Scala (sharkeatingman)- judge.
See less