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When a prototype super-soldier goes rogue, he struggles to make his way home before the U.S. Army closes in and reclaims its property.
Excellent logline. I might want to improve on the "struggles to make his way home" line. Sounds more like a stray dog. Regarding film I'd want to see? Sure, but didn't Kurt Russell make this already? SOLDIER: "After being defeated and left for dead by his genetically engineered replacements, SergeanRead more
Excellent logline. I might want to improve on the “struggles to make his way home” line. Sounds more like a stray dog.
Regarding film I’d want to see? Sure, but didn’t Kurt Russell make this already?
SOLDIER: “After being defeated and left for dead by his genetically engineered replacements, Sergeant Todd must save a peaceful community from destruction by the same soldiers.”
I had a script outlined called “Headless Body in a Topless Bar” based on a news report I heard the day before. Stupid me didn’t research it first, and it was actually already done and filmed in 1997 or something. Wasted a whole day and was super-jazzed at the brilliant title. Oh, well…
See lessParanoid Harry, a shell-shocked lieutenant, is sent to stop a general gone mad, commanding a nuclear missile silo, before he starts world war 3.
"Paranoid Harry, a shell-shocked lieutenant, is sent to stop a general gone mad, commanding a nuclear missile silo, before he starts world war 3." I think the phrasing and punctuation is wrong. "Paranoid Harry, a shell-shocked lieutenant, is sent to stop an insane general who "has commandeered"/ "isRead more
“Paranoid Harry, a shell-shocked lieutenant, is sent to stop a general gone mad, commanding a nuclear missile silo, before he starts world war 3.”
I think the phrasing and punctuation is wrong.
“Paranoid Harry, a shell-shocked lieutenant, is sent to stop an insane general who “has commandeered”/ “is in charge” of a nuclear missile silo before he starts WWIII/ World War III.”
As a logline, it seems to be okay, just not sure there is much of a story there. Reminds me of “Dr. Strangelove”. Can’t tell the genre from the logline, either. “Paranoid Harry” sounds comedic to me.
Good luck. Hope the feedback was helpful!
See lessWhen a meek electrical engineer is recruited for an audacious heist, he must gain the trust of the gorgeous sociopath head of security, to exact revenge on the corporation that stole his ideas and his spirit.
Personally, I don't associate "sociopaths" with robberies. I know they exist, but to describe someone as a sociopath, you are syaing they have no conscience about right or wrong, and don't care who they hurt, and this is usually reserved for the most violent criminals. I'm having issues caring aboutRead more
Personally, I don’t associate “sociopaths” with robberies. I know they exist, but to describe someone as a sociopath, you are syaing they have no conscience about right or wrong, and don’t care who they hurt, and this is usually reserved for the most violent criminals.
I’m having issues caring about either the protag or the crime itself. Exacting revenge on an entity has that problem. On one hand you are describing a sociopath, on the other, the crime is against a business.
This story may have already been written or outlined, etc. If not, I would heighten the conflict with the engineer by raising his stakes against the right antag, the sociopath. He can “exact revenge” on his former corporate employer in the process.
You may also consider changing the genre. It sounds as if it is written as a crime drama (Lambs), but may be more of a comedy (my most successful screenplay started out as a violent crime drama a la “Pulp Fiction”, and turned into a road comedy).
Imagine Mr. Bean as the engineer. One of the better comedies of this type I’ve seen was “Code Name: The Cleaner” with Cedric The Entertainer.
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