Have an account? Sign In Now
Lost your password? Please enter your email address. You will receive a link and will create a new password via email.
Please briefly explain why you feel this question should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this answer should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this user should be reported.
Days before the asteroid impact, a state lottery winner of a ticket to the survivor space station N.O.H.A gets haunted by a corrupted government agent trying to steal a seat for his beloved sister
Replace the word 'haunted', it's kind of confusing at first read (makes me think of ghosts). The middle section could be made more compact so you can describe the plotline more. You can probably ditch the 'for his beloved sister' part as it's extra detail and words that could be used for something eRead more
Replace the word ‘haunted’, it’s kind of confusing at first read (makes me think of ghosts). The middle section could be made more compact so you can describe the plotline more. You can probably ditch the ‘for his beloved sister’ part as it’s extra detail and words that could be used for something else. If its critical plot information, we don’t know why from this logline. Also, ‘corrupted’ should probably just be ‘corrupt’.
See lessA down on his luck middle-aged limo driver finds an unlikely ally in the famous actress he's been chauffeuring when he tries to reunite with his family and redeem a past transgression.
If a logline reads clunky but mostly complete, then typically it can be streamlined allowing for another tidbit or 2 of detail that gives a better picture of the story. I agree that the stakes don't always need to be explicitly stated, but the better the logline the better the stakes can be inferredRead more
If a logline reads clunky but mostly complete, then typically it can be streamlined allowing for another tidbit or 2 of detail that gives a better picture of the story. I agree that the stakes don’t always need to be explicitly stated, but the better the logline the better the stakes can be inferred. Here’s my attempt at making it more concise:
“A lonely limo driver struggles to make amends with his estranged family, but finds an unlikely ally in one of his customers- a famous actress who…”
It’s incomplete, but now there is room to add a bit more telling detail. I would use another adjective to better describe the limo driver or perhaps the conflict with the family, but don’t know enough about the story. If I knew the conflict, I might also re-frame the first part around the actual conflict.
See lessCorporal Brandon Goldstein returns home from Vietnam after a 22 – month deployment, seeking answers why his home and family are gone and nobody recognizes him.
I like the promise of this idea. Debbie's feedback is all very good. I would just say "returns home from the Vietnam War" to make it explicit, or you can change him to a veteran from Iraq, etc. to make it contemporary. If you strip out the name and the 'seeking answers' part, you have "A weary veterRead more
I like the promise of this idea. Debbie’s feedback is all very good. I would just say “returns home from the Vietnam War” to make it explicit, or you can change him to a veteran from Iraq, etc. to make it contemporary. If you strip out the name and the ‘seeking answers’ part, you have “A weary veteran returns home from a lengthy deployment in the Vietnam War, only to find his home and family are gone and nobody recognizes him.”
The second part is still a bit long. I would make it more concise, and then add some sort of clue or whiff as to what has happened. You don’t need to state it outright, but if you can sort of describe the trail the veteran starts on, that will give us a better idea of the entire movie. At this point we don’t know if it is a drama, suspense, action, or horror movie.
See less