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Wanting to right his ancestors wrongdoings during the slave-trade era, a youngboy struggles to attain peace as he unwittingly rekindles an age long war.
I am curious what is meant by "unwittingly rekindles." What does he specifically do? Does he raise the ghosts? Does he go back in time? Does he write a newspaper article that gets the current-day ancestors fighting?
I am curious what is meant by “unwittingly rekindles.” What does he specifically do? Does he raise the ghosts? Does he go back in time? Does he write a newspaper article that gets the current-day ancestors fighting?
See lessAfter an accident causes a successful CEO to lose both legs, he is forced to re-evaluate his life and identity
I like what you're doing. A few miner suggestions for this: "he is forced to re-evaluate" "is forced" is passive. Can you remove that and just say he "re-evaluates" or begins to "re-evaluate?" Which leads to my next suggestion. "re-evaluate" to me is vague. What, specifically, does he do to re-evaluRead more
I like what you’re doing.
A few miner suggestions for this: “he is forced to re-evaluate”
“is forced” is passive. Can you remove that and just say he “re-evaluates” or begins to “re-evaluate?”
Which leads to my next suggestion. “re-evaluate” to me is vague. What, specifically, does he do to re-evaluate? Start a journal? write in a blog that becomes popular? quits his job and moves to the desert? becomes a hermit like Howard Hughes? It seems like the “re-evaluate” part is really the soul of your story and I’d like to know what it is.
See lessWhen team of zombie fighting monsters lose their commander an overzealous commando orders them to protect a solitary human that could save their food source from extinction.
I'm intrigued, but, for me, it's over-complicated and confusing. It feels like there's just too much world-building information going on in the logline, and the basic story you're telling is getting subverted. It's clear up through the word "commander," then I get lost.
I’m intrigued, but, for me, it’s over-complicated and confusing.
It feels like there’s just too much world-building information going on in the logline, and the basic story you’re telling is getting subverted. It’s clear up through the word “commander,” then I get lost.
See less