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Unable to afford the support payments to maintain joint custody of his son, a puritan leather worker is forced to cater to the underground S&M market in his country town.
I like this story and how it's been evolving. I just noticed the protagonist is passive ("is forced"). You might consider using a more active verb to show how the protagonist is actively taking control of his story. I don't know, maybe use your word "caters" as the main verb. Going with what bonthewRead more
I like this story and how it’s been evolving.
I just noticed the protagonist is passive (“is forced”). You might consider using a more active verb to show how the protagonist is actively taking control of his story. I don’t know, maybe use your word “caters” as the main verb.
Going with what bonthewriter said, an inciting incident might help. For instance, instead of “support payments,” just say, “support payment” (by using a singular “payment,” the idea is that it’s not the payments in general, but it is a particular, say, he can’t meet *January* payment because his normal clients flaked).
See lessAfter learning his long lost brother is a test subject in a government experiment, a reckless government agent teams with terrorists in a post-apocalyptic wasteland to mount a rescue.
I know you really want to say that the setting is a post-apocalyptic wasteland, but I don't think it works where you put it. To me, it reads smoother this way, "... a reckless gov agent teams with terrorists to mount a rescue." My last comment is more aesthetic. You waited until the middle of the seRead more
I know you really want to say that the setting is a post-apocalyptic wasteland, but I don’t think it works where you put it. To me, it reads smoother this way, “… a reckless gov agent teams with terrorists to mount a rescue.”
My last comment is more aesthetic. You waited until the middle of the sentence to tell us who the sentence was about. Personally, I think it could be stronger if you started the sentence with the subject. For instance, do this, “A reckless government agent learns… and teams with terrorists…”
See lessWhen a meticulous hitman kills the wrong target, he has only two hours to figure out who betrayed him before the Mob takes its brutal revenge.
I'm wondering if it can be tighter. For instance, I don't think you need the word "brutal." If it's the mob, we're pretty much conditioned to expect brutality. Same goes for "only" (it's assumed two hours is very short, given the situation). Can it be just one hour instead of two? Not that this is aRead more
I’m wondering if it can be tighter. For instance, I don’t think you need the word “brutal.” If it’s the mob, we’re pretty much conditioned to expect brutality.
Same goes for “only” (it’s assumed two hours is very short, given the situation).
Can it be just one hour instead of two? Not that this is a big deal, but it does make the count-down a little simpler.
Another suggestion, instead of making “meticulous hitman” the subject of the adverbal phrase, just make him the subject of the sentence itself: “a meticulous hitman kills the wrong target and has only two hours…”
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