1. Posted: February 19, 2013In:

    In order to seduce his junior assistant, a conceited inventor exchanges bodies with an attractive stranger. But when she rejects his advances and he loses control of his research, he must attempt to reverse the exchange or else face the rest of his life living someone else's.

    timmyelliot

    I love your loglines. I am really interested in the stories. My only suggestion is purely grammatical. You might be stuck in a rut. I've only read three, so it really isn't enough to say for sure. So far, it seems like you have this thing going: 1. adverbal phrase/clause 2. subject + verb + prepositRead more

    I love your loglines. I am really interested in the stories.

    My only suggestion is purely grammatical. You might be stuck in a rut.

    I’ve only read three, so it really isn’t enough to say for sure. So far, it seems like you have this thing going:

    1. adverbal phrase/clause
    2. subject + verb + prepositional phrase
    3. (optional) conjunction
    4. then repeat the same structure above, sometimes skipping step 1

    I’m seeing it at least in these three,
    Old Time Rock n Roll
    Leathered Up (same pattern, just steps 1 & 2)
    and this logline.

    It seems like this pattern might be fairly common here. I’m probably going to leave the same comment on someone else’s logline as well.

    Another suggestion is to make the logline simpler. It’s exhausting. It feels like I’m shoveling through snow, trying to juggle the 4 clauses those complex sentences.

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  2. Posted: January 9, 2013In:

    After one of them accidentally runs over his loving girlfriend, two teenage boys run away from home and travel the country looking for a safe place to dump the body. Short for time as the body rots, the two friends encounter plenty of bumps along the way, as their friendship and criminal minds are tested.

    timmyelliot

    I like it. Personally, of what you wrote, this almost says it all, "Two teenage boys run away from home [and a psycho cop, or whatever the antagonist is] and travel the country looking for a safe place to dump the body."

    I like it. Personally, of what you wrote, this almost says it all, “Two teenage boys run away from home [and a psycho cop, or whatever the antagonist is] and travel the country looking for a safe place to dump the body.”

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  3. Posted: January 7, 2013In:

    While being pursued by police and a protection team, David Porter must find the legendary Tony Bill to pay off a gambling debt; or he's dead

    timmyelliot

    I like the alternative better. Personally, unless you're planning on including a side-note with the logline explaining that "Tony Bill" is not a person, but an object, I'd suggest using a different description that's less confusing.

    I like the alternative better.

    Personally, unless you’re planning on including a side-note with the logline explaining that “Tony Bill” is not a person, but an object, I’d suggest using a different description that’s less confusing.

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