If you want folks to notice the changes to your logline, maybe make the edits here inside the thread.

You sound quite resentful and bitter about the feedback that you’ve received… I’m not sure what you are expecting, but I would’ve assumed that you were looking to improve it — how can you do that when any relevant suggestion that has been made (1. It’s too long/ 2. Story is unclear — both equal 3. I don’t care about the plight of you main characters, and in turn your film…) you are not prepared to see because you think the suggestions are bogged down in a “mainstream paradigm” of what story/ loglines should be. Gees. If you want to make incoherent art films, all the power to you… but to be honest, the logline sounds a long way from being an art film… in fact, in sounds quite melodramatic… like a romance gone wrong — but really, I have no idea of what it’s about — all I know is that a Priest reunites with his bitter ex girlfriend when giving her the last rites from her prison cell…?

I think the other big problem — which despite your opinion that the feedback you have received is irrelevant, is that the structure is too heavily focussed on events in the past — like dpg said, a logline becomes interesting, engaging whathavyou, when it is focussed on events happening in the present…

Anyway — that’s all you’ll get from me.

Hi kbfilmworks,

My two cents…

Indie or mega budget extravaganza, it don’t matter — to be successful, both depend on having a strong story (and when I say successful, I mean financially or artistically…) concept captures interest, but story, with an identifiable/ or intriguing main character, make you want to see/ read a film. When a loglines’ story is clear, with an identifiable, fallible, or intriguing main character, it also sends a message that the film is in the hands of a professional… and if you aren’t funding the projects you’re writing yourself, then certainly you’d be using the logline to spruik the movie… I mean, Indie feature budgets can still shoot pretty high, right? At some point you need to get folks on board, even if you’re planning on shooting on bubkas. If you’re not, and the logline is just for your own tool to guide you through writing the screenplay, then whatev’s… As long as you know what the story is about — but — if it’s a case of you wanting to post your logline here to get feedback to help clarify it, make it stronger, more appealing for ANYBODY to get involved in it to see it made, then I’d echo others above in saying that the story itself is unclear… Nothing wrong with having dual protags, but I’m just lost on what this film is actually about… I get hints, but there’s precious space taken up on things that aren’t needed i.e. ‘STUNNINGLY charismatic…’ better just ‘charismatic’, imo. Also, “ends up as” feels like he had no say in the matter, or like he just fell into it… which i guess just doesn’t sit right given the profession. I don’t know, maybe that’s just me.

If your intention is for dual protagonists, then we should know what they BOTH want… All I know of her is the she is full of Implacable hatred, and that he wants forgiveness from her for something that occurred in the past..? This last part is really confusing — he wants forgiveness from her NOW in regards to some undisclosed event, and he couldn’t forgive her in the PAST for some other undisclosed event..?? I get you’re trying to tease, but I think it’s always better to just to state very specifically what is wanted by the main character (or characters), as this is what brings clarity to both loglines and stories, and of course films.

Best of luck.