1. Posted: August 30, 2013In:

    When a man travels half a state away to break his brother out of prison, his wife starts to question their relationship.

    Tony Edward Samurai

    Have to agree with what nicholasandrewhalls has already said -- '...questions their relationship' is definitely weak in terms of stakes. Something to maybe consider when revising (borrowing from some points raised by nicholasandrewhalls...) -- it could work well if the wife was the protag, as in, ifRead more

    Have to agree with what nicholasandrewhalls has already said — ‘…questions their relationship’ is definitely weak in terms of stakes.

    Something to maybe consider when revising (borrowing from some points raised by nicholasandrewhalls…) — it could work well if the wife was the protag, as in, if she was a highly strung soccer mum, and when learning that her husband has skipped town to break his bro out of prison, goes on his trail to bring him back in time for their sons soccer final (or something…) — to the extent that she takes over the prison break… could be hilarious and possibly quite marketable given the success of recent films like “We’re the Millers”.

    The other way to go would be to make the wife a clearer Antag — as in, she goes after her husband to STOP him from breaking his bro out of prison — don’t worry about the cops when my soccer mum wife is on our a@#$..! 🙂

    Anyway — probably way off your original idea, but good luck with your revision(s)

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  2. Posted: August 22, 2013In:

    A fledging actress, unlucky in love, must decide whether to risk it all or play it safe for the “happily ever after” she wants.

    Tony Edward Samurai

    Just thought I'd second dpg up there -- ending a logline with a question, IMO anyway, always reads a bit cheezily/ amateurish. The dramatic question should always be implied in the structure and content of the logline. Also -- It's not clear what she's actually risking at the moment... What about soRead more

    Just thought I’d second dpg up there — ending a logline with a question, IMO anyway, always reads a bit cheezily/ amateurish. The dramatic question should always be implied in the structure and content of the logline.

    Also — It’s not clear what she’s actually risking at the moment…

    What about something like:

    ‘After landing the part of a lifetime in Broadway, a hopelessly romantic fledgling actress puts her budding career on the line when her childhood prince charming returns home after years of missionary work overseas.’

    A few words too long, and maybe nqr in terms of YOUR story, but hope it helps.

    Best of luck with it.

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  3. Posted: August 25, 2013In:

    When a senior member of a prestigious University is accused of sexual misconduct, the head of the Economics department must defend his long-time mentor, the Dean, who is accused of complicity by ignorance.

    Tony Edward Samurai

    Aye... there's the rub, dpg... ignorance perhaps is not right word... maybe more to the point is that he turns a blind I to it -- he knows, but does nothing. In Blake Snyder land it would fall into the Institutionalized basket. The germ of the idea came from a current government inquiry into the covRead more

    Aye… there’s the rub, dpg… ignorance perhaps is not right word… maybe more to the point is that he turns a blind I to it — he knows, but does nothing. In Blake Snyder land it would fall into the Institutionalized basket.

    The germ of the idea came from a current government inquiry into the covering up of child sexual abuse within the Catholic Church… Why set it in a University? I think my friend wants to deal with similar issues, but not in such an ‘on the nose’ way, if you know what I mean…

    Thanks for your, as always, insightful feedback.

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